OFFICIAL FAN WEBSITE - THE ORIGINAL MANGINA MAN!
Coming to you from West Hollywood, California
23 October 2014
Every year when October 23rd roles around I am forever reminded it's the birth date of the girl I had planned to marry when I was 18. She found me on the internet some years ago and we talked about old times and new times, but we have since lost touch again. In a "It's a Wonderful Life" movie sort of way I have often taken a moment to wonder how my life would have been different had we married and had children. Her name used to be Phyllis Hogan, but now she is Phyllis Hickey, another man's wife in a childless marriage, and now obviously too late to have children of her own. I always think of her as the mother of my unborn children....the children that never were... Happy birthday Little Red wherever you are.
It's someone else's birthday today too! Happy birthday to my good friend Brad who's everyday kindness and friendship have meant so much to me! I have not forgotten your many sweet gestures, remembering things I like, and treating me special. Brad, you will probably never see this blog entry, but it's special to me to be able to record an honoring entry on your birthday cause you have done so much to make my life a happier one :) I look forward to celebrating with you tonight! For your birthday I'm making my Grandmother's special Thanksgiving pumpkin cake with cream cheese/pecan frosting! Surprise!
10 October 2014
Being a bit of an authority on freaks, lol, I'm glad to see another new season of American Horror Story (Freak Show) has begun on FX channel. A friend said she felt the first episode was a little hokey, but then again she has a phobia about clowns. Why is it that so many people are scared of clowns? Freak Show is delivering your worst nightmare clown this season. Maybe just the subject matter of the show itself, freaks, bothers my friend a bit since she is living as a woman with a penis. People often don't want to confront their own demons. I think this season is definitely going to bring us the same caliber of psychological horror thriller with the usual unexpected twists and turns. Already, the show is showing the deeper levels of exploitation of people that are "different" with the first episode being very pornographically sexual. No more spoilers for anybody who hasn't watched it yet. I think this season is gonna be a really deep one. AHS delivers again :)
26 September 2014
It seems I have a persistent stalker. On the website www.adam4adam.com he goes by the profile names of:
CumSitOnThis, AceTop, and sxy333
His phone number is: 415 871 8770
Police report number: 914-05293-0972-217
California has great anti-stalker laws. This person is actually making death threats and all because he contacted me online, wanted to meet me and I didn't want to meet him. There is no explaining psycho. The police can handle him.
Someone texted me after he found my information here about the stalker. He became suspicious when a guy he was talking to about going on a date started acting strange and when he Googled the guys phone number (my stalker's phone number) he found the stalker information on my website. He says the stalker guy is now harassing him. I told him to just make a police report like I did so the police can track him like the terrorist he is.
Update: My police officer friend got back to me on the identity of my stalker and said he has assault/battery/drug charges in 4 states. Thankfully, the police are watching for his next move. Too bad it can't be a move out of California and back to one of the other states he is from.
22 September 2014
The soul that was my birth mother in this life would have been 76 today had she not transitioned to spirit at age 54. Happy birthday MOM! :) She was abusive and alcoholic during her earth years, but certainly must have a beautiful soul I will enjoy meeting again one day on the Other Side. I really don't have any happy or loving memories of her as she made the first 19 years of my life a living hell, yet I have an unconditional loving feeling for her which I must believe comes from understanding her soul did love me (while her humanity didn't) and all that happened during her short lifetime with me was for the good. True forgiveness is when you can also say to that person, thank you for that experience. Unconditional love is the subject I wanted to talk about today in my blog.
Perhaps it was my mother's soul today, on her birthday, who helped me pull a piece of the puzzle together today about relationships and unconditional love. With our often limited, finite, human thinking we hardly understand unconditional love. We have an idea of how it's supposed to be, but I believe it takes a much deeper spiritual progression to more fully realize the meaning of unconditional love. I'm specifically talking about unconditional love in relationships.
Being a student of psychology and human behavior I understand the two basic types of relationships--closed/monogamous and open/polyamorous. Having only ever participated in monogamous relationships, while understanding how open relationships work, I never felt an open relationship would or could work for me, but then today I had this spiritually enlightening moment while contemplating what it meant to love someone unconditionally. The question of of how to love someone unconditionally in an open relationship was presented to me to ponder. I said to myself, if I judge someone negatively and want to dislike them for something as simple as wanting orgasm assistance with another person then am I loving them unconditionally? If loving someone unconditionally is the ultimate spiritual goal then I must be accepting of the fact that someone can be emotionally monogamous while at the same time be in a sexually open relationship. I have long understood who open relationships work great for people and know many people in such happy relationships that are full of love. Emotional monogamy is attractive to me because it fits with the standard, hopefully shared, goal of a longterm or lifetime relationship. Nobody wants their emotions played with. People want to feel safe and secure that the person they have fallen in love with is going to stay with them and not leave them for the next hot piece of ass that gives a better blowjob, for example. Experiencing the loss of someone you love through a breakup, divorce, or even death can be emotionally devastating to many people.
Religion and society have gone to great lengths to demonize sexual relations. Since the beginning of Earth history all human societies on this planet operated on a multiple sexual partner system whether it be one of a eventual contractual type of relationship/marriage or not. Where a lot of people get hung up is that they want to lump the emotions and sexual behavior together as one inseparable package. These types of people cannot accept that sex can be merely enjoyed recreationally unless it is joined by the emotion of love. These type of people have been brainwashed to promote the idea that having sex just for the simple enjoyment of getting off is somehow wrong like the prime example that religionists want to say masterbation is a sin. You can't have it both ways people. You can't say emotionally unattached sex is wrong if you masterbate. You certainly aren't having an emotionally attached relationship with yourself when masterbating unless you have multiple personality disorder and your hand belongs to one personality while your penis belongs to another personality! See how absurd the emotional argument becomes when peel back the layers of the onion skin just a little bit? Keep peeling those layers back to see what is beneath what you want to identify as your emotions. More likely than not you will find it's more about your desire to CONTROL another individual than to love them or have a real emotional connection with them.
Don't assume this is an exhaustive essay or the last word on this subject for me. It's just something I am currently pondering (and thinking out loud about) while on my spiritual journey to more perfectly actualize unconditional love in my life. And remember, don't forget yourself when it comes to unconditional love. You've heard the old overused, misused, and often misunderstood phrase, "You can't love someone else until you love yourself". That could be the subject for another blog.
18 September 2014
In primary school I won my first blue ribbon for some art work in the 3rd grade. My artistic ability was very evident in drawing and painting. After taking some oil painting classes at age 13 there were a few pieces I did in the following years and then I stopped. I had an abusive "stage mother" who turned me against art and at the age of sixteen I put down my paint brushes and haven't painted since. Every time I thought of drawing or painting I would be overwhelmed with thoughts of my abusive mother setting up my art at art fairs and shows and taking over the whole affair as if somehow it was her talent on display and not mine.
Having an alcoholic abusive mother that blamed me for all her unhappiness gave me a lot to sort out over the years. I became enlightened to the idea that her life on earth, with me (this time around), was only a temporary manifestation intended to take my soul places it needed to experience. Armed with this knowledge I hold no grudges or resentment towards my mother who I look forward to seeing again one day on the Other Side. It's been a long time coming, but I feel I can once again pick up the paint brush that I dropped so many years ago. Let's see what happens.
2 September 2014
Today I was talking to someone about a Persian friend of mine who is seeking asylum here in America to escape the Islamic regime that has taken over his once peaceful county.
Apparently, my friend, or anyone for that matter who identifies themselves as "Persian" is wrong to identify as Persian because they are Iranians. This person I was speaking to became very agitated and began yelling at me about how "they are NOT Persians because the Persian Empire ceased to exist. He went on to inform me that he knows more about the subject than me since he as worked with "these people" for over 20 years. I felt so offended because unlike him I am very educated about Persian culture. My best friend in elementary school was Persian, and since then I've had a lot of Persian friends. In my humble opinion I think having Persians as friends allows you to know a bit more about the situation than someone who, in his words, "has worked with Iranians who call themselves Persians". He always speaks badly of his "Iranian" employers that identify as Persian. This person places himself as an authority on such matters and abusively attacked me, yelling and screaming at me and eventually shut me down. I told him that he offended me greatly and he should apologize, but he is the kind of person who does not like to admit when he is wrong and he flat out refused to apologize to me. :( He didn't want to hear why people proudly identify as Persian and not Iranian. He seems to have no clue.
An evil islamic regimine violently invaded the country of Persia. For the Persian people now living in the renamed country of Iran it was a bitter day when the Islamic Arabs overtook their country in the 7th century. The modern "Iran" is now basically 50/50 composed of the native people of the land, The Persians, and the invading Arab Muslims who are called Iranians. Millions of Persians have fled their home country because there is just no dealing with the psycho religious fundamentalist Muslims who have overtaken their country imposing their own laws and government based on their wacko version of Islam. Just because an evil group of people come to your country and take over and impose their ways upon you doesn't mean you have to take on their name, Iranian. The Persian people are still a very proud and distinct people from Iranians. In the most basic explanation you have two entirely different ethnicities and religions, Persians/Zoroastrianism and Arab/Muslims that call themselves Iranians. There is a difference. A big difference. Someone who is non-Arab/non-Muslim is very insulted when you try to call them an Iranian. Respect the reasons why someone is Persian. The proud Persian people hate being associated with the Iranian Islamic hoard that invaded and took over their country and renamed it Iran.
In the end I think this person I was speaking to would try to make this a war of "words" saying that because the Islamic controllers of the country and government have forced the name "Iran" upon all the people and your passport would say you are from the country of Iran, not Persia. Persia is alive and well in the hearts of the beautiful Persian people and their homeland while they must flea from it will forever remain Persia and not the insulting Islamic decreed "Iran" that is on their passport. Oh, an almost forgot. Another difference between Persians and Iranians... Persians still speak the native language of their country which is known as Farsi, while the Iranians speak Arabic.
In closing, yes, there are some Persians who have given over to the rapist invading Islamic hoard and have revoltingly taken on their religion and language and that is a sad thing. My ethnicities have been lost due to invaders. Just look at the over 60 different Native American tribes of the country that is now named Mexico. Most of the Native Americans have taken on the label given them by the invading Catholic Spaniards and now call themselves Latinos and they took on the invaders religion. Most "Mexicans" no longer have any clue who they really are (which tribe they belong to and the language of their tribes is all but extinct -- sad)
Long live Persia and the Persian people! I hope one day they can regain their country from the Iranian Muslim invaders!
25 August 2014 - CELEBRITY SEX
Since I live in Hollywood, people will often ask me if I've ever had sex with anybody famous. I laugh and then I look them dead in the eye and say, "Look at me! I'm this big handsome, massive 6'3" hairy, muscled, bearded, one of a kind sex god on the planet Earth and you are asking me if I've ever had sex with a celebrity???" <more laughing>
The simple answer is yes. How many? Not telling. Who? Will take that to my grave. There will never be a "tell all" book of the movie stars I've had sex with, but I can say that the ratio between males and females is fairly equal. We all know men are gonna be tempted since I got a pussy, but women wanna get into a hot 69 with me and taste that manly cunt of mine. Even famous married couples see me. My favorite position is the man furiously fucking my cunt while his wife rides my face with her gushing wet pussy. One particular famous Hollywood set I've been with several times and the sex gets better every time. lol
Even my best friend of 30 years I never breath even a hint of what famous Hollywood movie stars or celebrities I've been with. I believe everyone has the right to privacy and I really respect that right. Why would I wanna fuck up a good thing? If word ever leaked that I was the "kiss and tell" type, that would be the end and nobody would dare come see me anymore and there are quite a few celebs I've been having fantasies about yet that I haven't been with and hope to. :) I've heard Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have an open marriage and say, "Sexual fidelity has nothing to do with a happy and successful marriage". I'd love to get it on with Brad and Angie, but I'll never tell :)
18 July 2014
Today I've decided to moan and groan about still being single and why I'm still single.
Before I start moaning and groaning, lol, I know you like the idea of me moaning don't you? All you men out there want me to moan when you penetrate me with your cocks. You dream of that perfect slit that was literally made to service and pleasure your cock and how good it's gonna feel when it clamps down on your python cock and milks every last drop of jizz out of you.... Yes, such is the stereotype that I have allowed myself to be objectified as (as a so-called porn star). I am a unique creation on planet earth. How many other men who look like me do you see out there with vagina's? I am sort of like the ring leader on planet earth for men with vagina's. There are others out there "like me". They are male, and have vagina's (by virtue of surgery, but are they out promoting themselves as such? Nope! The closest thing out there to me that you may find is a female to male transsexual and we all love F2M's, but in the realm of keeping it real I'm just about the only out and proud MAN WITH A PUSSY OUT THERE and why can't I have the man of my dreams, settled into a nice relationship whether it be an open relationship or a monogamous one? Let's contemplate this. Let's go back to the beginning...
I remember having an emotional attaction to boys, I guess, as early as the first grade of elementary school. My brain just told me they were the object of my affections, but those natural affections were blunted by the societal norm of heterosexuality. I was made to understand I should be crushing on girls, not boys.
I guess it was about the 3rd grade when other kids began to notice my preferred playmates were girls. The following school year I was called out by a girl named, Susan Humble, who sat in front of me in Ms. Ada Hedlunds 4th grade class at Bashford Manor Elementary school in Louisville, Kentucky. Susan said to me, "Why are you always playing with us girls? Why don't you play with the boys?" I felt rejected, crushed, and confused, but what she said, it was a wake up call to what was happening inside me. I realized girls were the "familiar" to me. They all enjoyed doing things I liked, and most of all they all liked talking about the cute boys so I felt more at home with girls than with boys who were the "mystery" to me that ignited romantic feelings.
I remember how the other boys and girls in class would pass little notes back and forth to each other that looked like this:
I always wanted to send such a note to boys I was crushing on, but already by the 3rd grade I had been made to learn that is was not okay for boys to have romantic attachments to other boys and so I leaned how deal with emotional unfulfillment from the very onset of my understanding of my same sex attraction.
Fast forward to age, 17, my first adult relationship where the guy I was dating lied to get out of "date night" with me so he could go out alone to pick up another random guy for sex. Yeah, he made up some lie about meeting his roommates for a movie and no longer than 25 minutes after hanging up the phone he showed up at the local gay bar, caught him red handed, and that was the END of that relationship.
Lets fast forward again, a million guys later and many years later and has anything changed? Men have not changed. Straight or gay all men love sex with multiple partners. Only a rare 2% of the male population settle into monogamous relationships. Science says that men having more than one sex partner is normal. Even the ancient Hebrews tried to legitimize a man's lust for many holes to fuck by allowing men to have as many wives (and concubines) as they wanted. It even found a way to sanctify rape when a man was overwhelmed by his strong natural urges. The Hebrew religious writings gave specific instructions on how to sanctify the woman you just got done raping so she would become an honorable wife. King Soloman of the Hebrews was said to have over 700 wives (and concubines without number). Somehow over the centuries weird religion took it's twists and now the tables are complete turned and with the exception of a few present day cultures, men are expected to have only one sex partner as the mandate of crazy religion that has poured over into the social norms of non-religious society.
I'm no different than any other red blooded male of the species who naturally enjoys sex with more than one partner. Psychology and biology show us that men are no different than the lab rat, even when totally exhausted from fucking, when a fresh piece of ass is presented before him he will rise to the occasion! Bottom line, I wanna play house with a guy--creating a traditional domestic environment, a happy home full of love and companionship and friends. Friends? Oh, yes, friends,,,,whether they be sex playmates or dinner guests... lol Like I said, I'm open to monogamy or a loving open relationship. Heck! I'd even enjoy a best friend roommate with benefits. I'm family orientated. Don't like living alone...it's boring having nobody around when you are used to that lifestyle. It's nice to have someone to cook dinner for, do laundry for. I've even had roommates before that I offered to do their laundry, just because I guess I'm a bit of a caretaker and enjoy doing for people.
In all honesty gay live in a non-relationship orientated sexual environment. Yes, lets be honest about that fact. If you count the number of sex partners a gay man has in his life vs the number of long term relationships then yes, it is a non-relationship orientated environment. That guy you only met last week and are already calling your NEW boyfriend don't count. He will be your EX in a few more weeks. lol Getting back to facts: The fact that I am a dickless gay man seeking a relationship in within phallo-centric population. Yes, there are plenty of what are called "Total Top" gay men out there that have no desire to suck cock or ever get fucked by one, but that really narrows the field down. I've met a few versatile guys who say it's about love and they could live with being the top in a relationship and not stray for dick to suck or get fucked by. Gays are really all about phallo-centricism and sexual freedom.
My dilemma is that I am too much of a sexual curiosity. Guys are too intrigued by the idea of an always clean hole that will never cream their dick with shit, besides the fact that it's a pussy that is made for gay male consumption! lol I am a sexual icon. I am a sex fantasy dream come true. I get fan letters everyday telling me how perfect and sexy and what a dream come true I am. Why can't one of these guys want to have a relationship?
I think about why I'm still single and I wonder if it's not some Karmic path that my soul is on during this reincarnation seeing that this life started out with a mother who didn't even love me and gave me away at birth. It's as if I am supposed to be learning something about how it feels to never be loved in this lifetime, to never experience romantic love. If there are any Guru's out there that have the answer to this please let me know.
Sleepless in West Hollywood
12 July 2014
Today I learned of the death of an actor friend, same age as me who apparently died of a heat stroke while out hiking. None of us ever know when this sweet visit to planet earth will end and we will return to The Other Side.
Today, I'm having fun and two minutes from now my time could be up on this earth. We just never know. Heart attacks and strokes come with no warning. All we can do is live our lives to the fullest everyday.
I can say I have lived my life without fear doing exactly what I have wanted to be fulfilled. Yes, I am talking about the extraordinary human being I am, the man with the pussy/cock combo. Guys have often asked me how it feels to be fucked in my pussy and my answer is that it is almost indescribable. The most amazing thing is that my pussy is really a pussy, but at the same time it's my cock, modified to function like a pussy, yet still it responds like cock.
Before the penile inversion surgery I was a dedicated bottom who never wanted to penetrate any ass or mouth with my cock. I didn't get off on being sucked and had no interested at all in penetrating a guys ass. It frustrated me that I had to jack off my cock while getting fucked to shoot my load. Penis inversion surgery solved all my problems! Now, I love my cock being sucked (pussy ate), and best of all I no longer have to jack off while getting fucked to cum because when you fuck my mancunt you are in actuality jacking off my cock with your cock. It is such an indescribable feeling! My mancunt is so sensate that I can feel every throbbing vein on your cock while you pound away at me and before you cum I can feel your cock get harder and the head of your cock swell before you shoot your hot, wet juice inside me. Every spurt from your cock I can feel flooding me inside (unlike inside an ass where the mucosal membrane tissue is not sensate in such a way).
Everytime a cock penetrates my mancunt it's a glorious experience and makes this boy so fulfilled. I am so lucky to be on this journey of sex and gender exploration.
I was in a waiting room for an appointment the other day and picked up the June 9, 2014 Time Magazine with the transsexual woman on the cover. That article was nothing short of awesome. There was some anti-trans/gay woman quoted in the article named Elaine McDermott from Maryland opposing a gender equality bill and she said something like, "I don't want to be part of their make-believe delusion. Males are always males. They cannot change." This woman's viewpoint is obviously a result of the Roman religious cult practices of Christianity that removed every reference to reincarnation from the New Testament writings. Roman Universalist Church teaching created a new belief 300-400 A.D. that everyone has only one life to live and after death your soul will suffer for eternity in hell for your sins or enjoy paradise for eternity. They removed all references to reincarnation because you can't manipulate and control an empire with fear when reincarnation says your soul comes back to live multiple lives upon the planet without judgement. Well, the Roman Catholic/Universalist Church did a real shitty job trying to remove all the references to reincarnation because there are still passages where Jesus speaks directly of reincarnation. All you gotta do is actually read the Bible instead of parroting some hateful belief you want to stand up for. If this Elaine McDermott person was educated she would understand that a person's soul has no gender. Only the body that the soul is taking a ride in has a gender or sex and someones present reincarnation could be directly affected by their most recent or other reincations, for example, a man could have been a woman in his last life and there is still a deep connection to the gender/sex of the last life influencing a need to live as a woman in this present life.
I was very pleased that the Time Magazine article was not also polarized by a strict male or female sex/gender expression. Gender awareness in the human mind can cover a spectrum from one end to the other and should the truth be honestly admitted to by folks, most people would probably fall somewhere in the middle. Every man has a feminine side to get in touch with and every woman can be as tough as a man if she wants to. My Grandmother was a shining example of how she could put on a dress and heels and makeup and be a femme fatale and later in the day put on pants and work circles around 3 men on the farm. My Grandmother was such an inspiration in so many ways during my lifetime.
2 July 2014
Today has been a very special day in my life! I was contacted by a female to male transsexual who wanted to meet me. This afternoon we met and what transpired after spending several hours together is I have decided that I could easily be in a relationship with a transman. I know my readers have burning questions like did he smell like fish down there? The answer is definately no! He'd had a hysterectomy and the labia minora had been detached and removed from his penis. That's all that he changed besides the changes years of testosterone had made to his completely masculinized body. He smelled and tasted just as much like a man down there as the next guy. He doesn't get wet like a girl, but the wetness I greedily lapped up with my tongue from his opening below is penis was just like any other man's precum. Of course, his penis is the testosterone masculinized and enlarged clitoris, but it was very much a penis in practically every way, just a smaller version. I'd say I instantly fell in love after this experience, but he is already partnered in an open relationship so I know I need to find a cute furry transbear man of my own. :)
28 June 2014
You said your name is Jason, read my most recent blog entry, and texted me from an international number ending in the last four digits 9193 and I can't respond to your text. Please email me instead.
21 June 2014
It was good to get that off my chest yesterday. It's like a way to say that final goodbye to someone you used to love and you get it out of your system...
I know my readers have seen me write a lot about love and finding the right guy. I'm not afraid to talk about things that really matter in life. Some people would not rattle on about such topics in fear of being seen as weak, or labeled as co-pendent, or whatever box insecure people would try to place one in for talking openly about normal human emotions. As humans we all grow up in families and it is simply the human experience to one day desire to create a family of our own with a loving spouse and if possible, as the words of the Bible say, "and two shall become one". Many people misinterpret that Book of Genesis verse about Adam and Eve to mean their souls blend together and they become "one". No, no, no....the verse is about procreation, and could better read as, "and two shall come together and create another one".
I have a happy single life with some really nice friends and acquaintances, but still I do desire to create a family of my own. I was just thinking the other day while at the dentist...I was thinking about my Grandparents. My Grandfather was a dentist so naturally the smells of the dentist office activated memory cells in the brain connected with the smells of his dentist office. I thought about how my Grandmother was 50 years old when I was born and how 50 is not too old to raise a child so I'm still hopeful that perhaps I'll find a man who wants to adopt so I can fulfill that human experience of loving and raising a child in a happy family relationship. :)
Speaking of memories, I was enjoying some more sweet memories of my youth with my Grandparents. As summer starts to move into full gear and July is just around the corner I smile and can feel my face radiate and glow with those happy memories of blackberry picking across the meadows with my Grandmother. These memories I write about in the trilogy of books about my life and I will enjoy one day recreating some of these sweet scenes in the movie version of my life. I'm always receiving emails from folks saying you need to write a book and your life would make a great movie. I've kept diaries since I was 14 years of age and have been working on the creative telling of my life story for over 20 years. One day when the Universe gives it's final approval, my story will be complete and ready for publishing. :)
20 June 2014
The time has come to blog about why I was being quiet and withdrawn from blogging since February. I needed a little time just to get away from it all while doing some personal healing.
As my readers know, I'm not afraid to talk about the stuff that really matters. I'm no bullshit and very direct kind of guy who tells the plain truth about things that really matter in this human existence. Most people are so fucked up and worried about what someone is gonna think of them if they show a moment of realness or emotional vulnerability that they create this mask for the world to see so they can be observed by others as unscathed and perfect as they can be. It's all bullshit and what is wrong with human relationships--people always being fake. Real love for another human being is honest, unconditional and you forgive ones mistakes, shortcomings, and trespasses against you. 2000 years of an amazing teachers life work which blossomed into a religion called Christianity and most of the Christians have never learned the core message. Instead, they cling to hatred since apparently God did give them the permission to hate sin and hate the sinner too! (Romans 9:13 "as it is written, Jacob I have loved, but I have hated Esau") Most people claim to be Christian for ALL THE WRONG REASONS. It's part of the deceptive mask they wear everyday. Jesus called these types of people "Wolves in sheep's clothing". Before I continue, please bear in mind one very important thing... Because I refer to the alleged teachings of the great spiritual teacher named Jesus from the Christian Bible does not mean I am a "Christian". I am a spiritual person who takes into consideration many of the wise spiritual teachings of Jesus the Master, along with many other spiritual Masters in our world's history.
So, here we go! I've been quite the last several months while processing some unresolved feelings for someone I began seeing in August of 2013. Anybody can be a prince or a princess for several hours on a date, but after six months of getting to know someone you can come to the sad realization that someone you've developed feelings for is not suitable for a relationship with you, or anyone else for that matter.
I had a lot of hope for this guy because we had a lot of things in common. However, there were many things we did not have in common that were so epic and detrimental to the healthy functioning of a happy relationship. For the benefit of anyone new that may come into my life, following is a bullet list of the things that were wrong with this last guy that made a relationship with him nearly impossible. I say nearly impossible because everyone in this world has baggage--it's just how someone navigates their baggage.... Do you allow it to become a negative and destructive force in your life or do you allow it to be an experience you learned from and were able to grow into a better person? hmmm...
NEGATIVES BULLET LIST (listed indiscriminately)
- Huge ego mask mixed with very low self image
- Materialistic living beyond means, putting on airs
- Anger management, job anxiety/stress issues
- Seeks to buy love with money (his kids and me)
- Never admits a wrong, nor apologizes for it
- Emotionally numb except where the self is concerned
- Out of control violent behavior -stress related
- Refusal to consider anyone else's point of view
- Always comparing you to past relationships
- Former marriages to 2 women to mask his homosexuality, so no real love involved
- Refusal to consider couples therapy to face his issues which are destructive to a relationship
- Encouraged me to drink when I'm not really a drinker and I don't handle my liquor well
14 June 2014
I woke up this morning from a dream that inspired me to write a bit about the origin of the word "HOMOSEXUAL".
In a documentary I did years ago I talked about how I didn't believe in homosexuality. To further define, I don't believe in heterosexuality either. Humans are just sexual and it is society that has tried to put sexuality into a box for NEGATIVE reasons, to be able to discriminate and hate.
What I'm saying is that "homosexuality" is a word used negatively to discriminate against those who have same sex attraction. "Same Sex Attraction" is a much better way to describe who someone chooses to love and have intimate relations with.
Consider if you will when you were a small child, before you were sexually awakened. I think back to elementary school when I think I was in the 3rd grade. Boys and girls would pass those little notes back and forth to each other that read: Do you like me? Check YES or NO. Remember that? lol While I was getting some from girls I was wishing I would get some from boys because I did not have an "Emotional" or "Physical" attraction to girls, but to boys. I would have little crushes on cute boys, but never on girls. Your emotional attraction is the foundation, and sex, and intimacy is built upon that, or shall we say a by-product of that.
So, anyway...that's my little seed for thought for the day. I guess this is why the term "Gay" was coined to describe those with a same sex attraction because the word "homosexual" is almost like a diagnostic term for a mental disorder (as it has been used that way in the past).
7 June 2014
Just to let all my fans and friends know I'm doing okay although I have gone into a bit of a quiet mode. I don't have much else to say as life continues along as usual being happy and very satisfied with my daily routine, gym, domestic home duties, socializing with friends. I found the best tasting Chinese sweet and sour soup at Chi Dynasty :)
25 February 2014 (updated 21 March 2014)
The way I feel right now.... This is going to be my last blog entry for a long time...
In the spirit of the great entertainer Greta Garbo who once said, "I want to be let alone", I am desiring to begin a new chapter of my life.
I moved to Los Angeles in 2008 from South Dakota where I had been living for 10 years and attending school. The house I owned there was darling and I enjoyed my garden I planted very much, but a town of 25,000 people (and dwindling) was loosing it's allure once I finished school and so I sold up and moved. There was no man for me in such a small population and even through the wonders of the Internet I did not feel I could lure someone to South Dakota. I also had just recently lost the last remaining members of my immediate family, my Grandmother in 2004 and my Father in 2005.
I think what they call the 7-year-itch is in the beginning stages? I know I experience a lot of hours alone coupled with the fact all my family is dead and I think I'd like to live in roommate situation to have somebody around to (believe it or not) clean up after, cook for and just someone to talk to once in a while. I've lived alone in the same place in the West Hollywood neighborhood since moving to California 6 years ago. Nothing wrong with my neighborhood or anything, it's just I want to freshen my surroundings whether that means moving to a different section of town, a new city in California, another state, or even another country. South Africa could even be on the list as it is the birthplace of The Ubuntu Movement (see my links page). I do have to admit though, out of all the places I have ever lived, Los Angeles is one of the hardest places to make friends. This is a show business industry town first and foremost and the largest part of the population has the attitude, "IF YOU CAN'T HELP ME IN MY CLIMB ON THE HOLLYWOOD LADDER OF SUCCESS, I HAVE NO NEED FOR YOU IN MY LIFE". Many people told me this is how this Town is, but I allowed myself a good 6 years to develop my own experience and opinion. I've visited other nearby areas like Long Beach which is home to very much less pretentious and easier to talk to gay men. I don't want to make this a gay thing because there are good people to be found everywhere, just fewer good people in certain areas.
Since my birth in Louisville, Kentucky, USA, I've lived in Tampa, Florida, USA, Dagenham, England, UK, Soder Talje, Sweden, Kiaserslautern, Germany, Amsterdam, Netherlands, Jerusalem, Israel, Amman, Jordan, Indianapolis, Indiana, USA, New York City, USA, St. Louis, Missouri, USA, Metairie, Louisiana, USA, to name a few places.
So, the hunt is on for a new place to live and hopefully with a roommate that could be like a best friend that could even have the potential to develop into something more. Preferred setting would be a house with a yard suburban or countryside where I could have a vegetable garden. I grew up on a farm in Kentucky and I'm really connected to the earth.
Basically, I'm wanting to retire from the entertainment business and live out what time I have left with someone special in my life whether that is a lover or a best friend. Many people misquote Greta Garbo as saying, "I want to be alone!" What she actually said was, "I want to be let alone" which has quite a different meaning--she wanted to retire from the spotlight and enjoy life as a normal person so I can identify with what she meant. I want to leave Mangina Man behind and just become your average Joe somewhere with somebody who loves me, whether as a lover or a best friend.
Alone!!!!! I am alone I am always alone
no matter what
- Marilyn Monroe
23 February 2014
I have recently made contact with a nice man named Daniel who lives in Beverly Hills and owns a company in Florida. We are planning on meeting soon to get acquainted. Wish me luck! :)
22 February 2014
Possible good news! There a small, but slim possibility that I could soon become involved in a very public media scandal if I am asked to participate what will surely be a very highly publicized coast to coast legal case! I'd be sure to get more than my 15 minutes of fame and this could catapult me right into the media spotlight where I've always wanted to be to help further my aspirations of a best selling tell-all memoir that I've been writing for years as a trilogy about the 3 lives I've lived as a boy to age 19, then my life as female for 20 years, and finally my life now as The Mangina Man. This could be my big break for a movie deal about my unique life as well. :)
I have already spoken to my friends here in Hollywood at shows I've been on before like TMZ, Entertainment Tonight, and MSNBC and they said if this situation I've told them about comes to fruition it will surely create an awesome media circus for me that will help boost my fame.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the right legal action will commence so I will be able to become a media darling! lol I've learned a few things in my time about publicity stunts from living here in Hollywood :) There is no such thing as bad press. The only thing bad is no press at all! lol
20 February 2014
Today I am picking up a friend at the airport from Florida who is coming stay with me for a while so he can financially recover from an evil ex-boyfriend named Steven in Florida who abruptly ended their relationship without even trying to work on any of their issues. I believe my friend to be a very honest person as I've know him for what seems like most my life and he is a very communicative person who like myself studied psychology as a major in University so when we talk about the psychological issues of his ex I can understand very well, what he's been through as I've gone through similar with men who are psychologically damaged and incapable of having a healthy and normal relationship. My friend had left his job cause his boyfriend didn't like his work and wanted him to start a new life with him so he was completely financially dependent on the now EX-boyfriend and the bastard just throws him out with no money and no place to go and cuts off communication. I mean, honestly, when you've made someone financially dependent on you it's like you owe it to that person to help them out if you are going to send them away just like in a divorce when the supported spouse gets a settlement. He had asked his ex for a $5000 so he's be able to move and re-establish his life, but the ex accused him of blackmail? I don't have that kind of heart in me and so my friend will stay with me till he can get on his feet again. Today he had to go and pawn a Ferrari watch that was an xmas present from his ex-boyfriend and supposedly worth over that thousand dollars. He went to several pawn shops trying to get a better deal, but the most anybody offered was $100 bucks. Pawnshops never give you what your item is worth! An exciting new adventure begins!
19 February 2014
Today I return home from a vacation to find my Jasmine vine all in full glorious bloom! The fragrance of the Jasminum polyanthum is intoxicating lovely like heaven! Oh, I forget...I don't like to use that word "heaven" and prefer to refer to the place all souls return to as "The Other Side". I am reminded of actress Natalie Woods' last movie called Brainstorm. In this movie they were able to record the death process and journey to the Other Side and I've often fantasized about such an experience where they stop my heart for a few minutes and then revive me so I could visit the Other Side. I grow weary of this world that I'm stuck on and wish my time to return to the Other Side could be soon. I think I've learned about all I can from living in the earth vessel on this plane.
14 February 2014
Another Valentines Day spent alone. No flowers, no candy, no card, not even a dinner date.
Seems I keep running into and dating men who seem like a good catch on the surface, but then after you get to know them they are laden with so much baggage that they want transfer onto you.
Why can't I meet anybody psychologically stable enough to enter a relationship? One guy was married to two women before finally coming out as gay and he transfers all his mistrust and anger about those relationships on me and sabotages our relationship. The first wife trapped him into marriage by deliberately getting pregnant and the second one was a gold digger. Both women basically deceived him from day one only wanting to marry a "good provider" and after that ring went on the finger they both turned into raving bitches. Also, you have to realize he was trying to use them as "beards" to hide his homosexuality so, I'd say they both got what they deserved by entering an marriage under false pretenses, but now the guy's living honestly, but due to being burned badly, now he is terrified of the word marriage, or living together, so that doesn't allow a loving relationship to move forward and there can be no trust.
I've been built up and knocked down so many times I don't know if I have the strength to continue to dream that I will ever be loved in this lifetime. I feel as if my life was cursed to not have love from the start. I never had the love of a mother or father. They divorced before I was born and my mother gave me away for the first three months of my life and then took me back. I wish she wouldn't have cause she made my life a living nightmare with her alcoholism and the 3 alcoholic step fathers I had to endure from birth till age 18 when I left home.
My longest relationship lasted 3 years and then he gave away 16 years of sobriety and brought our relationship to and end. I've had a few other relationships and dated a bit, but I guess being the sex oddity that I am makes a lot of people lie to me just so they can be with me for a while and then when they've had their fill of me they find an excuse to dump me.
Will anybody honest and psychologically stable ever come into my life that wants romantic love and happily ever after?
Happy Valentines Day everyone. I hope I die in my sleep.
30 January 2014
Bruce Jenner Sexchange Surgery
After decades taking small surgical steps towards feminization, Jenner is finally in the final stages of completing a long awaited goal of becoming completely female. I wish Jenner every happiness on this journey and Bruce if you are reading, write me and lets be friends. I'm like a transsexual guru with tons of life experience from both sides of the fence who could be a good confidant and friend to you on this journey and I'm close by right here in West Hollywood :-) I saw a news report whether it be true or not that you consulted with a sexchange surgeon with a transsexual named "Wendy". I don't know what doctor you consulted with, but my vagina is deep and I still orgasm and ejaculate. I may be able to steer you clear of surgeons with unfortunate results.
27 January 2014
First thing in this blog is I want to give a warm thank you and hug to all of you guys out there that have written to wish me well on a speedy recovery. AND thank you to those who called phone and left similar voicemails! I'm rather overwhelmed and it feels nice to know there are some really nice and caring people out there following me! I really appreciate the voicemails, but I'm not much for talking on the phone if you will forgive me and accept this heartfelt thank you for your concern. My 910 250 9208 number published on my site and various other places on the net is used for texting mainly for professional contacts, but I heartily appreciate those who wanted to reach out in a special way to leave me a get well wish! :)
Other news! I'm writing this just after arriving home from my followup with the doctor. He says I'm doing great and the only thing he said we can do is have me on a daily low dose aspirin as my blood is already thinned from TRT (Testosterone Replacement Therapy). Not much else we can do for TIA's/mini strokes besides the usual advice of healthy diet, exercise, blah, blah, blah. AND, I'm typing with both hands today :) I feel like I'm back to normal.
Besides feeling back to normal what am I thinking about this whole TIA/mini stroke revelation? I guess I have to say that it really hits home that one's moment to moment life is very precious. We all know we could walk out the door and could be involved in an auto accident and be gone as it happens to many people every day. It's just a little bit a different feeling though for me as it feels sort of like there is a ticking time bomb inside me since I know I've had like four other such attacks in the past, but I blew them off because I never experienced any numbness or paralysis in my body. I've never been in any dangerous health situations before in my life so I guess this feels a bit like a brush with death. I don't want to be consumed with fear of when the next stroke may come. As least I know better what to do now when it does happen instead of ignoring it as a dizzy spell.
Have you ever planned a birthday surprise party for someone only to be disappointed that they were not going to be where they were expected to be at the last minute? Thankfully, my biggest expense, travel, was refundable.
25 January 2014
Took the last of my blood thinner today and noticed when I gave myself my testosterone shot that I bled a lot. I think back to when I had my first TIA, or as they call them, pin strokes...its was in 1995 sitting with my husband Paul at the time, at the neighbors kitchen table chatting--thought I was gonna pass out. Since that time I'd say I've had (including this last one) four or five of them. Not knowing what they were I kinda blow them off as dizzy spells, where I thought I was gonna black out, felt kinda numb all over and some shortness of breath. I don't remember quite well, but I think I had one like a month ago while in Florida? My fingers are doing better today, just a bit sticky and like they are forgetful of where the keys are...strange disconnect? How stupid of me not to have realized what these dizzy spells were! I believe trained health professionals can be some of the worst in denial when it comes to their own personal health issues.
24 January 2014
I guess old age is catching up with me. Wednesday evening I was having dinner at my neighbor ladies house when I had one of what I call my dizzy spells. They usually last for several minutes and make me feel really out of sorts for about 20 minutes. My friend Yvonne was concerned and brought me a glass of water. I didn't take it from her and she asked, "Don't you want it?" I couldn't move my arm to take the glass from her. I have been hospitalized for the last two days for what is called a "pin stroke" or TIA and apparently, I've had a couple previously without the loss of movement of limbs. So, now I know what those dizzy spells were strokes I've been having. I guess I'm thankful they have been small ones. I am typing with one hand now as while I have regained movement in my left arm my fingers haven't gotten back their typing skills. I'm expected to make a full recovery. As I was having these TIA mini strokes and didn't know it you or someone you love could be too. Doctors have me on a blood thinner and I need to be very watchful the next the next few days cause they say a TIA could be a warning sign for a major stroke.
22 January 2014
NEW ANTIBIOTIC RESISTANT STRAIN OF GONORRHEA KILLS YOU IN JUST 6 DAYS
Well, isn't that just great news? I've been researching this on the internet, even investigating local cases where I live here in California and networking with friends about it and apparently this thing is very real.
One more reason I wish my Prince Charming would hurry up and come along and we can be married and in love and live happily ever after.
20 January 2014
Jet lag!!!! I have just walked in the door from a long weekend in Paris, France. I met a fan from Saudi Arabia halfway. I will sleep now for 24 hours please!
12 January 2014
Golden Globes awards today at the Beverly Hilton. Passing by the hotel the other day and I guess I'll never think of the Golden Globes or Beverly Hilton without thinking of dear Whitney Houston and the gift of her songs she left behind. What a shame she couldn't have recovered from her drug problem and still been with us, but I know she is having a great time singing songs even more beautiful now on the other side and I look forward to hearing her new songs one day soon :)
Was passing the Beverly Hilton on the way to the beach yesterday. Enjoyed a nice lunch with a friend and then enjoyed the spiritually energizing ocean at Santa Monica pier and someone I know was nearby and sent me this photo of the sunset.
7 January 2014
Several days ago a young man of 20 years of age wrote to me from an Eastern European country. He said he found a link to my website in some chat forum and came here to read about me. I asked him today why he seems so emotional when he communicates with me and he said:
I cut and pasted that from my Facebook page. I think it's cool that it copied the text window :)
I have dreamed all of my life of finding just one boy to fall deeply and romantically in love with, but in this difficult world love has eluded me. It feels really sweet that someone would write such words to me.
In the 6 years this website has been online my existence has become known all around the world. You would think there would be just one man on this planet who would want me for his very own to love and adore forever? Ah, but this is the problem with men...most of them only want the convenience of easy sex and do not want to be bothered with love.
6 January 2014
Happy New Year! That's what everybody says. I think about time and what it means, a lot. What does time mean on this planet? Humans had to develop a way to track time I imagine basically as a financial tool. One cave man said to the other cave man, I will rent you my luxury cave for the night in exchange for the meat you are roasting on the fire? When you think deeply about time it is a strange thing to contemplate if you believe in other dimensions where time AS WE KNOW IT ON EARTH does not really exist. I'm specifically talking of where our souls go when they leave our bodies--into another dimension in a place we commonly call the other side, or heaven? Because our human bodies have a time to be born and a time to die I guess that is why "time" is something we experience on this planet? I know this is deep thought and not for everyone, but I think a lot about what is called LIFE AFTER DEATH I guess because all my family is gone and I miss them and look forward to the day I connect with them again on "the other side".
I contemplate so many things and try to formulate answers in my head that make everything seem alright. I'm trying to ease into a subject, but I will just jump into it. I think about my mother and how she never loved me all my life. How she gave me up at birth at the hospital for the first three months of my life before taking me back. I think about how as a child I was different from other boys that got me labeled faggot before I even knew I was gay myself. I mean, I knew I was romantically attracted to boys more so than girls, but I didn't understand the sexual aspect until my teens when I began to investigate homosexuality through books like, The Joy of Gay Sex. We do years of coming out to ourselves before ever coming out to anyone else.
I wonder why all around me I see most gay men avoiding becoming involved in loving traditional relationships preferring to be single and able to have sex with who they please at anytime. I don't feel that way. I've always dreamed of finding one guy I can fall deeply romantically in love with and be married and live happily ever after. The dream escapes me...
21 December 2013
Today I am sharing a bit of a cross posting from my www.HelpMe2UrinateStandingAgain.com website.
It's an article about a new technology that can regrow body parts in the lab. If they could regrow my very own penis in the lab then anti-rejection drugs for a transplant operation would not be need they could make a clit for my mangina that I would be able to stand to urinate from.
Click here ------> http://www.helpme2urinatestandingagain.com/2.html
20 December 2013
I have been given a very special gift in this lifetime to be who I am-- the worlds only hot, sexy, and famous dude with a man pussy, and that is a gift I feel I should not be greedy with and should share in a loving fashion with as many men as possible. Ha! Ha! That is not an eloquent way of saying I enjoy being an international slut! lol (BTW, I'm not saying I'm the only man with a pussy on the planet (but I am the only famous one), because as the ringleader of the movement I personally and confidently know many men who's journey's brought them to the same physicality as me. Many of those other mangina men are living their lives privately and are not a fool for the spotlight like myself. Also, not to forget and respect my many Female to Male transgender brothers who have realized in their journey that they are gay men that were trapped in female bodies and now they too are beautiful men with vagina's who love sex with men.)
I was chatting with my best friend the other day and mentioned one of my special clients here in Hollywood that is so nice to me and has given me many very thoughtful and sweet gifts. Of course she wants to know who he is, but I won't even reveal the identity of my clients to my best friend. I'm telling you the truth when I say I could become a billionaire if I were to write a book discussing the rich and famous clients I have had in the last five years here in Hollywood and around the world. My almost accidentally becoming the Mangina Man has been a gift from God and I must remind myself everyday how truly blessed I am to be who I am. I've had to have my passport reissued twice in the last five years due to all the pages getting used up for so much international travel to visit with men around the world. I never speak of these travels in my blog because it is part of my discreet professional life. If I were to blog about seeing a wealthy client in London for instance, I would have paparazzi following me to see if I was entertaining one of the Royals. The Paparazzi here in Hollywood are already well aware of who I am and have followed me on a few occasions, but they gave up because ultimately I am so discreet. There are a lot of famous Hollywood faces, not just men, but even husbands and their wives I have entertained. You would just not believe the names of those who have craved my body. Even those with the most "straight-laced" reputations you would never believe were anything close to sexually experimental outside of heterosexuality I have been with. Does it make me feel good to spout off about all the famous people I've been with? No. I only mention it to let future clients know that I am trustworthy and discreet and will take many secrets to my grave. When you are discreet and trustworthy you get rewarded! You never know who the next drop dead gorgeous Hollywood star or celebrity will be who will contact you for multiple pleasurable and discreet encounters. I love having sex with the rich and famous and will take MANY secrets to my grave! lol
One thing I've noticed in the escort business... Daily, I encounter those who write me and want to be with me, but say they will never pay for sex. To say you will not pay for sex is simply a person's low self esteem and empty wallet talking. People with healthy self esteem and fat wallets have no problem paying for sex. The rich and famous are some of the most appreciative and graceful people I know when it comes to paying for sex. They are not plagued with the social, moral and psychological traps that the average man on the street deals with. These people are evolved human beings who appreciate another evolved and unique human being like myself. I've had celebrity clients who are simply fascinated with the person I am and sometimes I visit with them just to talk and get to know them before I am invited back many times for a more intimate experience.
Enough of me and all my hot air and blah, blah, blah. Time to go to the gym and make my gorgeous douche bag body even more gorgeous and sexy looking :) lol
18 December 2013
Was replying to a fan mail when I wrote this:
Yes, I am a very intriguing sexual being. The touch, the feel of pussy, but that's the fantasy because you know it's actually my inverted hard throbbing cock with that taste you know and love! When you fuck me you are in reality jacking off my cock with your cock when we both shoot our loads together in the most perfect erotic cock2cock union.
I had to go to a lotta trouble to become the world's most sought after sexual person. Don't you wish that it would be a variation of nature that something like 1 in ten births could be a real man born with a vagina so men could make babies together?
11 December 2013
Truly, it takes a very special man who can see past what many other people can't. Being the unique person that I am, the worlds first famous man with a pussy, the porn, the escorting... Some people want to put an unforgivable moral judgement on such forms of adult entertainment and would never seriously consider dating someone in such a line of work.
Ego's get in the way of seeing life for what it truly is. It has been said, What is the difference between a wife and a prostitute? The prostitute gets her money up front and the wife has to get hers in drips and drabs. lol Think about it though? What about the woman who marries for money? Only in the furthest and most secret reaches of her heart is the truth known if she is marrying for love or money. If she is marrying for money and has no other interest in the man, does that mean she is having sex for money? Instead of having multiple customers she contractually devotes all her sexual favors to only one customer, her husband. Well, maybe she does and maybe she doesn't. Perhaps the crafty bitch will have secret affairs on the side for pleasure or money? Who knows. You may never know what is in someones heart.
However, having said all this. Don't we all have a past? When you decide to begin a relationship with someone does your lover judge you for all your past lovers or sexual experiences? I imagine some crazy and abusive people may do that, but the kind and caring person says, ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU AND I ARE TOGETHER NOW AND ALL THE FORMER THINGS ARE PAST AWAY.
Having been in the adult entertainment industry since I was 19 years-old I have met many wonderful people that derive an income from sexual performances whether it be escorting, film work, stripping, or whatever. More often than not these people are more spiritually enlightened and part of what they do is knowing they are giving of themselves to others in a positive way, trying to un-demonize sexual unions.
The religious world has gone to great lengths to make sex something bad. When I was studying amongst ultra orthodox Jews I learned that husbands and wives never slept in the same bed together. In an observant home you will alway see two beds in the bedroom--one for the husband and one for the wife and the only time they are in one bed together is for the brief act of sexual union which cannot involve kissing, sucking nipples, sucking dick, eating ass or pussy--none of that fun stuff...just sexual intercourse with the sole purpose of causing pregnancy. Afterwards observant couples will shower and go to the ritual cleansing of a Mikvah so they will both be "clean" to touch another person and able to enter sacred places such as the synagogue.
I'm not trying to defend myself, by writing any of this stuff, I'm just saying some people don't have ugly, negative views on sex and don't judge others for their sex lives or history as if that is all the worth of a person is their sexual history. Some people look past that to know the real person behind the facade of the actor. Some people will go to great lengths to find the bad and to hate and others will go to great lengths to find the good and to love. Which kind of person are you?
8 December 2013
I am amazed at what a small world it is and how many people know my former boyfriends, in particular the ones mentioned deeper in my blog that I describe as The Three Curses. lol Many guys have come to me to tell me their own weird experiences with Ray Landicho, Lee Jackson, and Edmundo Borbon-Leyva and they've thanked me for my web page on them cause it cleared up a lot of red flags they had on these guys.
30 November 2013
Just when I thought my Thanksgiving was going to be a disaster--crying on a friends shoulder about disappointments and broken dreams and the friend reveals he's had a crush on me? We spent a wonderful Thanksgiving day and meal together with lots of other lovely people and he ended up spending the night and taking me shopping the next day buying me an early Christmas gift! He just left this morning as he has to work, but it sure was nice to have such an angel from heaven arrive and make my Thanksgiving an awesome one :)
17 November 2013
Sometimes I think my life must be cursed to never find love. Sometimes I think being gay really sucks because most gay men don't want relationships, only sex hookups. Sometimes I think if I must return for another incarnation I will never choose to be gay again--learned my lesson--I'll choose to be a straight male and find me a good girl...oh, but wait a minute didn't I already do that at the beginning of this life when I was straight, before coming out as gay? My first girlfriend, Phyllis Arlene Hogan, dumped me cause she couldn't wait for me and broke my heart when I was 17, but she got what she deserved. Phyllis Hogan became Mrs. Patrick Hickey and has had a hellish existence ever since. Her paycheck from working at a jewelry store pays all the bills cause all her bum husband does is mow lawns for a living in the summer. She can't even leave her store to walk across the parking lot with co-workers to eat lunch cause her psycho husband won't allow it. He won't allow her to have a car and drive--he drives her to work everyday. She can only have her hair cut by her brother in his hair salon after hours when the salon is closed with the lights off. What a freaking wack job she married when she could have had me. I always refer to her as the mother of my unborn children. Yes, karma dished her out way more hell than she deserved after hurting me. Even as late is a few years back I told her to leave that guy and come live with me, but she is too afraid to leave him. I guess he has threatened to kill her if she ever left him.
Boy! That was a bit of a rant, huh? Well, all I really wanted to say was that being straight ain't no guarantee that finding love is gonna be all sweet tea and cookies either. Look at how many divorces there are and the countless breakups of the straights who date and have unwed relationships. Ton's of broken hearts out there.
It just seems so freaking strange that I can't find one freakin' decent person in this world to have a real loving and committed relationship with. In all the relationships I have ever had, it was always the other person flaking on me. There was only one person that I ever had to break up with from my end--him, I call the psycho from San Bernardino. The straw that broke the camels back: We were having some issues and went to a relationship counselor to have a third party sort out who was wrong and who was right. We didn't even get past the first session! When we got out of the initial interview with the therapist he went off on me and screamed at me from the top of his lungs like a wildcat, "Why did you tell the therapist that?" I answered, "We are supposed to tell the therapist the truth." Without truth and trust can you have a relationship with anyone??? Yeah, so I have dumped one person in my life, but not without just cause. Is there such a thing as being cursed to never find love? I wonder...I really do.
30 October 2013
As much spiritual education as I can seek out and as much as I try to elevate my soul above my humanity, it is still an impossibility to turn off my humanity and attain that super high spiritual level. I guess that is only achieved when the soul finally departs the body for eternity.
October 30th is the anniversary of my Grandfather's death. Halloween is always the beginning of the holiday season, but for me it's always a reminder of family that is no longer with me and now I have been alone 10 years since the last two members followed my Grandfather in death, my Grandmother in 2004 and Father in 2005.
I try to be spiritual about it all knowing that they still are here in spirit, but the flesh is weak. My humanity longs to reach out for that hug and kiss. And so the week prior to Halloween I always find myself sinking into an abyss. Deep pangs of homesickness for my loved ones lies under the surface of my everyday activities from Halloween through the New Year. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with tearful sobbing grief. It can help sometimes to grab my Grandmother's picture from the fireplace mantel and clutch it to my heart as if I held her in my arms once more.
2 October 2013
Damn politicians! Even Joe Mangina is feeling the crunch! My body is visited many times a year as if I was a national park--Manginaland. lol Tourists from around the world and several of my Vegas clients have had to cancel due to their trip plans being ruined by the national parks shutdown. Instead of shutting down part of our country to save money the politicians should not receive a paycheck till they get their shit together.
29 September 2013
Ready or not Las Vegas here I cum! ;-)
25 July 2013
Are there any True Blood fans out there among my readers? What do you think of the newest True Blood cast member Robert Kazinsky? I really wanted to comment on his acting in the S06E06 Don't You Feel Me episode. As far as I've researched his acting has been rather limited and for him to jump into such a supernatural character and play the role so well and so deeply...I'm impressed! His scenes with his co-star Anna were so deep. I watched the scenes over and over again about 5 times because the acting was so superb. The depth of emotion of a man waiting 5000 years for his perfect bride, his love so deep for her, the fear of possible rejection in his eyes like a caged animal as he lay there hands bound behind his back. The acting chemistry between Robert and Anna was so perfected in those scenes! I wanted to cry as Robert's character Warlow poured out his heart to Sookie.
Bascially, what we have here is a 6000 year-old vampire made by the first vampire Lilleth. Surely, Lilleth created other vampires before Warlow, but are any of them still in existance? Warlow could be the oldest vampire on earth so wouldn't that basically rewrite vampire history a bit and having Warlow replace Count Dracula as the world's first male vampire figure? It doesn't really matter. It was just a thought.
What I want to know is what is the significance of the ring that Warlow wears around his neck? You know there is gonna be some awesome story behind it. I can't wait to find out!
18 July 2013
For those of you who know my story you know I began life as a normal male (for the most part). At an early age I began a journey of self discovery that lead me to the conviction that I was a woman trapped in a male body. That conviction moved my life into the direction of sexchange surgery and to also exchange my outward appearance from male to female. After some years of living in that role I became discontent with the promotion of an outward female gender appearance. My Grandmother, of blessed memory, had been a great influence on my transsexual experience as she was an enigma. While yet a very femine woman she could put on a pair of pants and work as hard as any man. In my Grandmother I witnessed a Ying/Yang. It was an example to me that not all women had to be 100% feminine 100% of the time and internal realized gender as well as outward gender expression can be fluid. The general human population's mind has been so negatively trained to put sex in a box. Male in this box and female in this box and heaven forbid that the sexes ever be mixed. Heaven forbid that an intersexed baby grow to adulthood as a hermaphrodite!
So, you all know how I got my pussy and how I became disenchanted with the transsexual lifestyle and how I continued my journey that some wanted to label as a "detransition". Like a butterfly I once again exchanged my outward appearance and for the last 8-9 years I have lived my life as yours truly, Mangina Man. It was quite an unexpected journey I embarked on when I set sail to leave a female appearance behind and take on the new and improved male appearance complete with increased height and 100 added pounds of muscle. I didn't know the experiences that lay ahead for as a man with a with vagina, but 9 years later I can only say its all been terrific and that's quite an understatement. I can say I am the perfect embodiment of male and female in one body. Yes, my outward appearance and personality exudes masculinity, but I have also claimed a part of the female anatomy for myself, that for me allows me, in a deeper sense to be completely female and completely male in one body. It's hard to convey how I feel perfectly male and female in one body while my image promotes all male except for the fact of one small part of my anatomy. My happy existance begs the question though, WHY CAN'T A VAGINA BE PART OF A PERFECTLY HAPPY AND NORMAL MALE BODY? Why shouldn't a male human being be able to enjoy the sexual advantages of having a vagina, or more exact why shouldn't a gay male bottom who finds his penis basically useless in a sexual situation besides masterbation be able to have a Mangina? That is another story, one that is discussed in the support group I created for men who do feel they would be a peace with their bodies if they exchange the look and functioning of their penis for that of a vagina.
What I wanted to talk about today after that bit of back story is the next step in the evolution of Joe. Like I've said, I've had the last 8-9 years to explore the great new life as a man with a vagina and along the way I do continue my due dilligence to consult with psychological professionals along this journey. People looking in from the outside with a judgemental eye say things like, "He was never transsexual, but confused and now lives in regret and a miserable man with a sexchange vagina trying to make lemonaide out of the lemon life has handed him due to his own poorly thought out decisions." Believe me, I've heard every jealous hearted diagnosis from every walk of life out there on the planet and I'm like, why can't people just believe me when I say I am on top of the world and very happy with how my life has evolved? Why do they all have to have their crazy and wrong opinions of me and why must people hate? Ah, well, you will never stop people from being jealous and hateful and making up shit about you, but what you can do, as an INDIVIDUAL IS HAVE A VOICE, YOUR OWN VOICE WHICH CARRIES FORTH YOUR OWN TRUTH. Thank god for the internet which provides as a vehicle of expression. Thankfully, I have a place where my voice can be heard and after all is said in done are you gonna side with those who think they know whats going on with me or will you look at the evidence before your face that here is a guy who is happy, empowered and moving forward in a life that brings him much happiness?
While I am quite satisfied and happy with my current status as a man with a vagina, there is one thing that is a discomfort. While being a gay male bottom that has the advantages of being able to have sex the way a woman can with a man is great, there is one drawback in this world that forces the sexes into boxes of male and female and wants to obliterate anything that is inbetween (i.e. individual born intersexed).... Some people will say to me that at this point I've made my bed and I must lie in it and suffer the consequences, but there is one drawback to being a man with a vagina and that is that you must sit down to urinate. After nearly 9 years of living in a man's world with a vagina between my legs its really become a problem for me. It is so unnatural feeling as a man to be forced to sit down to urinate. It is the birthright of every man to enjoy his god-given ability to conveniently stand to urinate and I want that back. Whether it is through a phalloplasty operation like female to male transgenders get or even a penis transplant operation, I WANT TO REGAIN MY ABILITY TO URINATE STANDING AGAIN. Yes, this natural ability restored to my body and the campaign I will embark upon to regain my ability to urinate standing again will be one frought with controversy, but the time has come for this to happen. Years of thought and contemplation have gone into this next move in the evolution of Joe. I look at it this way.... IF A FEMALE TO MALE TRANSSEXUAL CAN BE RESPECTED AND THEIR TRANSFORMATIONAL JOURNEY BE ETHICALLY SUPPORTED BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY WHEN THEY LIVE COMPLETELY AS A MALE WHILE KEEPING THEIR VAGINA AND HAVING THEIR ENLARGED CLITORIS CUSTOM FITTED WITH A URINARY REROUTE SO THEY CAN STAND TO URINATE THROUGH THEIR TESTOSTERONE GROWN CLITORIS/PENIS WHEN WHY CAN'T I? WHAT MAKES THEIR NEED TO LIVE AS A MALE WITH A FUNCTIONAL PENIS AND VAGINA ANY DIFFERENT THAN MINE? WHY IS THEIR TRANSSEXUAL DESTINATION SUPPORTED BY THE HARRY BENJAMIN STANDARDS OF CARE AND CONSIDERED MEDICALLY EITHICAL TO BE DONE AND NOT MINE??? It's not easy being a misunderstood and lone transsexual pioneer, but this is what I AM and I must push forward for equality for everyone!
The website: www.HelpMe2UrinateStandingAgain.com
17 July 2013
I'll be missing my Grandmother this saturday which would have been her 99th birthday celebration. I wonder if they still do things like that on the Other Side?
The other day I watched the HBO documentary called Love, Marilyn. It's based on the 2010 non-fiction book Fragments: Poems, Intimate Notes, Letters of Marilyn and those who knew her. One scene in the documentary stood out where Marilyn was out to dinner with company and she excused herself to the ladies room and when she was taking too long her company decided to check on her and found her staring into the bathroom mirror silent and almost catatonic. "Marilyn, what are you doing?" "Looking at her" was the reply. Marilyn Monroe was a character she was expected to play on the stage of life at all times and I identified with that. I guess most actors can identify when the image you project is so much larger than life. Who is Mangina Man? Sometimes I look in the mirror the same way realizing I have to put on my public face for all those out there who whisper, "There he is, that's him". Don't all of us have a public face or mask that we put on to varying degrees to hide what is going on inside the real us? How many people take the time to even want to know the man behind the celebrity? All most see is what they expect out of me--more Mangina Man. Marilyn often signed things with just her initials M.M. Funny how I took on a name with the initials M.M. too. I just realized that the other day when watching the documentary.
26 June 2013
A week in Vegas was a good thing. I met some new friends. Guess I'm gonna have to return to Vegas soon!
19 June 2013
In Las Vegas this week for work. The noise pollution in this town is physically exhausting at times.
13 June 2013
Today I was listening to James Van Praagh being interviewed by Bob Olsen at: http://www.afterlifetv.com/2012/01/12/are-your-loved-ones-in-spirit-trying-to-tell-you-something-interview-with-james-van-praagh/ For those of you unfamilier with James Van Praagh, he is a psychic medium. He communicates with people who have passed over to the Other Side. Most people refer to it as communicating with the dead, but that is a misnomer. The container/earth vehicle (the body) of the person may die, but the person continues to live on after the death of the body.
James presented some information that gave me peace about the things I experienced back in July 2012 when I was lied to and told that my boyfriend, Ray Landicho RN, had passed away from a stroke. Yes, I know! Those of you reading this for the first time are asking WTF? How could someone lie to you and tell you that your boyfriend is dead? Long story and you'll have to continue reading my blog for the details, but just a quick summery is that he was hospitalized with a stroke and his evil parents decided to tell me died just to get me out of their hair. They refused to let me see him in the hospital Intensive Care Unit and refused to allow to attend his funeral, which was also a ficticious event.
Anyway, James spoke of out of body and telephatic experiences with people who are in comas. The former boyfriend Ray was in a coma for almost a month. While in the coma, Ray knew his family was plotting to tell me he has passed away and Ray communicated with me at 1am which was 9 hours before the parents did their evil deed to tell me Ray had died. Ray was reaching out, basically trying to say, "Josef, I'm not dying! I'm gonna be okay". However that soul telephathy thing works I don't know, but it was awesome. I was able to audibly hear his voice outside of my head call to me, "Josef! Josef!" Somehow he was even able to shake my bed four times to get my attention. Then there was the time about a week later that friends tried to console me and took me out to Universal Studios theme park to get me out of the house. I was going through one of the many gift shop areas at the park when I spied a little white teddy bear with a blue t-shirt on that said, "Wish you were here!" At that very moment I heard Ray's voice speak to me, "Josef, I am here!" When I first processed this event I did so as proof Ray was communicating with me from the other side, but little did I know it was his soul telephathically crying out to me from his comatose state in the hospital bed saying, "Josef, I'm not dead! I'm still here and it breaks my heart to know how much you love me and mourn me because you think I'm dead, but I'm just in a coma and will be well again and come back to you!" Well, whatever Ray's true intenions were they got sidetracked when he came out of the coma. He said the first thing he saw when he awoke was the picture of us together on his bedside table and his friend Vivian gave him the voicemail message I had left him encouraging his recovery and telling him that I loved him. It wasn't until two weeks after he had come out of the coma that his family told him of the evil and inhumane thing that had done to me, telling me that he had died.
Well,... so much for telling you to go read the story further down in my blog, right? There is so much more that hasn't been said, but in a nutshell, Ray decided to collude with his family and allow me to continue to believe he was dead. Ray only came forward to reveal to me he was alive 8 months later after reading this very blog he found out I was mortally depressed over his death. Subsequently, my doctor put me in the hospital to protect my life from the very depressed state I was in and when I came out of the hospital Ray had gotten a case of the guilties and finally contacted me to prevent any blood on his hands should I have done something to harm myself in my state of grief over his death. You can ONLY IMAGINE the state of shock and disbelief I was in that Ray was actually alive and talking to me! That was a devastation in itself to get over. I decided to meet with Ray. I felt so confused and dazed that the man I'd loved and mourned for 8 months was now living again, but I agreed to meet him to hear him out.
I met with Ray just two times after his dramtic return from the dead. I still don't have words to describe how it felt to see him again, apparently alive and well. I was just in a total state shock and disbelief, just trying to keep it together mentally. Our first visit was primarily my question being answered, "What happened?" Our second visit was primarily Ray telling me that due to the circumstances and what his parents did that he was faced with no choice, but had to choose his family over me. Cut and dry. A very blunted ending. He said he still cared about me and hoped we could be friends and I told him, "After all you have put me through, if you want to be friends then you will really have to prove that to me". I haven't heard from Ray since. :(
But, anyway....listening to James Van Praagh explain how how people in comas can have out of body experiences and reach out with physical and telephatic means it has put all my "other wordly" experiences with Ray into their proper place. But what of the proper place for my feelings for Ray? I will always love him dearly and still have my sweet memories of the time we had together and the happiness he brought to me life if even for a short time. It was a beautiful thing and a gift to my heart even if it was only for a season. It was a beautiful thing because I know the love I felt was wonderful and it is those wonderful feelings I will hold onto as I continue what seems like a meanduring and never ending journey on this planet looking for a romantic soul mate.
9 June 2013
Many times I have been disappointed in my search for Mr. Right, but I refuse to give up hope that he is still out there waiting for me. Next month my search will take me to the exotic locale of Mexico City where I will have a date with a very handsome man named Javier :) When one has everything they want in life, there can be one thing missing--a family of your own...
28 May 2013
Out of all the things you own would you not agree that your memories are you most precious possession? Years ago when I decided to close up my house in another state and move to California I let go of most all of my worldly possessions. I said to myself, "I have the memories and that is most important. I don't need the objects or material things".
Today one of those "precious possessions/memories" came to mind. One of the best memories that always brings a sweet smile to my face was when I trimmed the hedges and bushes on the farm. It was always a family event in that my Grandmother would sit on the front porch swing and watch me closely as I trimmed each shrub. It was a time of great connection because I know she was watching me close to make sure I trimmed just enough, but not too much. We took pride in all those evergreen bushes as we had started them all from little cuttings many years ago. While trimming the bushes it was like there was this psychic link between us, a very intense concentration of souls, even when my back was turned trimming there was a very definate sync between me and my Grandmother while she could only sit and watch due to not having the stamina to do the work anymore.
Those are memories that fill my heart and being with warmth and love and put such a Mona Lisa smile on my face. If I close my eyes, I can almost smell the fresh cut evergreens and nearly taste the cold iced tea Grandma would have waiting for me on the front porch.
17 May 2013
Today, I added a another Q & A to my FAQ page. Once again, a man wrote me who knows absolutely nothing about the penis inversion surigical technique and asked, "How can you shoot your load from anywhere anymore? Didn't you have it cut off?"
It still amazes that guys have such a Barbie Doll mentality when it comes to sexchange surgery. I remember when I was a kid and I noticed Barbi didn't have a vagina, but was only smooth down there. I heated up a knife on the stove burner and melted Barbi a lovely Barbi-gina! I even took an ink pen and drew on a little croth hair landing strip. lol
I think, most men, with their Barbi Doll mentality think everything gets removed and thrown away and the doctor just somehow then sews you up and leaves a little opening. I'm sure this "didn't they cut it off" menality comes from the fear most men have of anything ever happening to their precious penis. I bet a lot of cheating husbands had nightmares about the John Wayne Bobbit scenario where his vindictive, betrayed wife cut off his cheating penis! lol
Just because I'm no longer the beautiful and feminine post-op transsexual woman activist that I used to be does not mean my job of educating people on Sex Reassignment Surgery has ended. In light of educating and being an activist time and again I still have to put my tranny hat back on (or is it a tiara) to help people understand just how I became this gorgeous hunk of a mythtical Greek muscle god with a va-jay-jay come to life.
See the very first entry on my FAQ page relating this this blog.
7 May 2013
I think its time I write a much lighter post! lol I know it's probably very boring reading about my love life thats been in the trash can as of late because of meeting some horrible losers! I'm gonna do something I don't do often and I'm gonna talk about my other private life...
I sort of live two lives. You guys reading my blog know me as Mangina Man, but Mangina Man is sort of like a character I play. Sort of like Clark Kent and Superman--same person, different lives. In my Clark Kent life I've recently taken a chance on entering into a new business with a friend (actually somene I've dated and like a lot). We will remain friends because we both agree, at this time, we need to concentrate on building our business together, not trying to build a romantic relationship although we are attracted to each other a lot (and yes, he knows that Clark Kent is really Superman! ha! ha!) Life is about taking chances so I'm putting all I have into this new business.
Gotta cut this blog short without explaining more cause I have a date showing up in 9 minutes and I have to find clothes to cover my Greek god body! lol More later!
3 May 2013
Moving on: I understand the events of this last year of my life have taken a certain toll on me because it has resulted in me becoming more rigid and hardcore in my dealing with men. I guess what I'm saying not as trusting as I used to be. As the unique person I am there doesn't seem to be an escape from the catch-22 situation I'm in. People try to offer their good advice all the time about my dating ssituation. Because of my excusive uniqueness as a man with a vagina there is a need to educate about my unique body and functionality which resulted in this website and my videos which in turn, by default sort of has the effect of self-objectifying myself as a sex object. Do you know what I mean. The person I am really only exists in Greek mythology, but I have made it a reality. Everybody asks the same questions... Can you still cum? Do you have any feeling down there? Why did you do it?
It's not easy, but I know there are people of higher intelligence out there that see this website and my videos for what they are--a means to educate the public and they understand in real life that I'm not like some sex crazed nymphomaniac. lol I'm just an ordinary guy who has had some extra ordinary experiences. I'm just a Kentucky farm boy with traditional values and hopes and dreams of having a family one day. I know it probably sounds silly, but a few years ago I went into a Ralph Lauren childrens store and purchased a couple of size 5 boys sweaters for the little boy one day I hope to have along with a loving husband. They are tucked away in my hope chest. My hope chest is about being goal orientated and the objects in that chest are a testament to my strong belief and desire to make my goals come to pass. I want that wonderful loving husband and son one day. And if you're wondering, yes a daughter is also in my hopes, but you know how guys are, they always want that son first! lol
25 April 2013
Well, nobody can say my life isn't as exciting as a roller coaster? lol
Getting back to my old self, or at least trying to???
Yes, I've had some shitty luck or shitty fate this past year with men! I'm beginning to understand why so many men just prefer to stay single and unemcumbered just hooking up for sex with no strings. Those strings are a killer!!!!
Let me recap my last year of dating and I'm going to make a startling reveal about one of the guys I dated.
lol Something just came to mind. The Three Graces - a well known neoclassical sculpture of 3 daughters of Greek god Zeus... Well, this will be the story of the 3 curses, son's of Satan! roflmao!
All three of these men (if you can call them men) lied and deceived me. You can read in detail about all of them, the good and the bad, in earlier blog posts.
Does this kinda blasting scare you? It should if you are a lying deceiving bastard! Any decent and kind person reading this with any thoughts of dating me has nothing to fear. lol I've dated plenty of guys and had relationships that didn't work out and I didn't blast nothing about them on the internet. It's just these 3 guys should be on America's Most Wanted. Seriously!
Edmundo: Contacted me two years ago, hooked up with me, started a relationship, told me he had an ex-husband, but then I found out he was still married and living with him. But before that he was gonna move in with me and then at the last minute didn't and ripped me off for $1200 dollars.
Lee: Serious control freak, who wouldn't allow me to have an opinion on anything. When I became gravely ill and entered the hospital for a week he deserted me not even responding to the calls from the doctors as my emergency contact.
Ray: (1funbttmguy on Adam4Adam.com) This is the shocker. I'm still trying to recover from the mental damage. After several months of happy dating he became ill with a lung infection and suffered a stroke. His family refused to allow me to see him in the hospital and to get rid of me decided to tell me he DIED!!! July 10, 2012 the guy I had fallen in love with is dead. I mourn his death for 8 months, but then he contacts me to reveal he is alive????? My only comment is Ray, how could you be so deceptive and destructive to another person's heart and soul... so evil and inhumane to another person? Ray and I met two times after the 8 month period he pretended to be dead. After our second meeting he expressed a desire for "friendship" and I basically said to him that after all this *unfriendly treatment over the last 8 months if you want to be friends you will need to prove that to me. That was the 3rd week of April 2013 and I have not heard a word from him since. One may assume from this that he knows what he did to me for 8 months was despicable and he may or may not feel bad about it. The only thing that brought those 8 months of deception to an end was when he saw I was becoming so depressed over his death that I wished to be with him on the Other Side instead of continuing to live here unhappily without him. He finally only came forward to expose the fraud as to avert blood on his hands in the event I could have had a very depressive episode that could have resulted in me attempting to take my own life.
I know, I know... this kinda stuff only happens in the movies or soap operas, but haven't you heard that truth is stranger than fiction?
Why I continue to keep it mentally together and be a good and kind person who isn't bitter and angry I'll never know. I guess my Grandma raised me right to be loving and forgiving, and to move on without holding grudges...
I've been through so much in my life, its unbelievable! There has been mostly much good, but when it's been bad it's been hell! The only experience that would top off such a list of experiences is if I was also a holocaust survivor.
Anyway, I'm trying to put my experiences with these evil men behind me. I know there is an HONEST MAN out there somewhere??? :) :) :)
13 April 2013
Another year older....
6 April 2013
I watched as the tail lights of your car disappeared around the corner for what feels like the last time. Feels like goodbye. It's okay. I understand, because like you said, you don't want to do anything that would lead me on because you can never be what I need because of your family. They could have learned to love me if they got to know me as you do. I respect what you feel you had to do tonight, but it doesn't mean I like it and doesn't mean I'm not hurt. If nothing else, I guess I just have to be thankful I have closure.
4 April 2013
Activating a spell-checker is a good thing. I found a lot of typos in my blog. lol Some people like to be so brutal about misspellings and treat you like you are illiterate or something. As long as you can understand what the person meant, right? lol
I write about a lot of very personal things on my blog and some people probably think it's a bit much, but you know what I got to say to that? I am a person who is very confident in who I am and sharing my innermost thoughts and experiences is one of my strengths. I know many people are afraid of or intimidated by strong people, but be as it may, whether I am feeling strong or weak at any given moment I am at peace to talk about those thing because I don't need anybodies approval to life my life the way I want. That attitude is what has made me the unique and exciting one of kind awesome person on this earth. It's made me a go-getter, an achiever, someone who sets a goal, no matter how high and attains it. My extraordinary life will not come to regretful end wishing I'd done this or done that because anything I've ever wanted to do I have done. Being happy means fulfilling your dreams. Many people lead unfulfilled and often bitter lives where they are always hating on those who are happy.
In the midst of all the drama and chaos in my life I've been toying with the idea of a reality tv show over the past year or so. A friend in the business has been pushing me to do it, but I've declined till now. Why have I said yes now? I don't know... I'm not a fan of reality tv shows, usually finding them very silly, but my friend says I should have my own reality show because of my uniqueness. As an adult film personality I've gained a lot of recognition and a large fan following, but as well, the documentaries done on my life have also awakened a lot of people. Everyday on the street I am greeted by people who say, "I saw your show on television and you are such an inspiration!" They are talking about my MSNBC documentary. So, I've given my friend to go-ahead to be my Executive Producer and he is going to begin the long and arduous process of "pitching" the show idea to production companies. Maybe it will fly and maybe it won't, but I'm happy to entertain his wishes to try to make me into show. Move over Beverly Hills Housewives and Honey Boo Boo, right? lol
My healing process continues from all the drama I've been through lately that has taken a toll on my psyche. Yeah, I'm this great big confident, strong person, but heartbreak is my enemy. The life I've lived is a prime example of one "loving themselves", and I know it sounds boring, but I have everything I want except for that one perfect man who will simply just love me and come home at night and ask, "Hey, honey what's for dinner?" I mentioned to a friend the other day about this big beautiful home I own in another state and he asked, why don't you live in it and I said, "Well, it's my dreamhome and I love it. Lived in it for 7 years, but it got too depressing for me, especially after my Grandmother, 3 dogs, and my Dad died within a year of each other. That dreamhome is missing one thing--my dream guy. Like the four bedrooms of my home that sit empty so do the four chambers of my heart." During our time on this planet we all seek to find the fulfilling love (of God) we left behind on the Other Side. This is our mission. Most find an outlet for this love through their immediate family they grew up in, but its normal for all humans to have a desire to start their own families to continue the cycle of love. That's why all you hear is songs about love, shows about love, movies about love....love, love, love, but few seems to get it and keep it while on this planet. Perhaps that makes us all better appreciate and yearn to return home to the Other Side where there is perfect fulfillment through the love of God?
23 March 2013
In my previous blog I wrote about how tired I am living my life in this world without my family and my deceased boyfriend Ray who died in July of last year. I hit a very low point of chronic depression and because I was talking to my therapist about wishing I could be with Ray on the Other Side she made me see the psychiatrist in the office on February 27th. As a result of that psychiatrist visit I was hospitalized for a week. I guess some may say a tragedy was averted cause I'm still here, but I'm a long way from being okay yet. Lotta things been happening, some great disappointments and some good things.
I'll begin with one of the disappointments first. Back in January Lee Jackson aka Leander Jackson (www.facebook.com/leander.jackson.9) contacted me desiring to restart our relationship apologizing that he was not in a good place when we started dating as he was still getting over his breakup with his last boyfriend. We had formerly progressed to the point of him telling me he loves me, offering me a $7000 ring, and he wanted me to move in, but then he broke things off. Well, then he contacts me again in January and apparantly is so excited about being with me again that he changed his Facebook relationship status to "Married - January 27, 2013".
Pictured: (right) Lee Jackson, RN at Castaic care with one of his employees
Lee and I seemingly picked up where we left off and he immediately asked me to move in with him to which I said, "Isn't that a little too quick?" and he replied, "Not too quick for me". I guess our former relationship status which was a full-on sexual dating relationship where I often stayed with him in his North Hollywood apartment was enough for him to know he was ready for me to move in. It was all rather quick, but I had fallen for him already and this was just like picking up where we left off. He offered to pay off my lease so I could move in with him at the end of February and then at the last minute flaked on me when I told him I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown and may need to go for care. He completely stopped returning my calls and texts and for a week while I was hospitalized the doctors left messages at his work Urgent Care and on his personal cell phone and he ignored them all. And this person is a nurse? His partner is hospitalized and he refuses to respond? What kind of nurse is that? He should have his license revoked, right? Even till this day I have not heard a word from him and now hope to god I never do. Thank god I didn't move in with such a person, right? I really dodged a bullet on this one. Obviously Lee suffers from emotional detachment disorder and other things that allow him to abuse and neglect other people.
Another dissapointment on the heels of me getting out of the hospital is that a very devastating event happened. What happened to me is so inhumane and evil that I have only confided it to my therapist and a few of my closest friends. As open as I am about the goings on my of life, this situation is so horrible that I can never talk about it on my blog as it also involves an innocent party, someone close to me that I love.
Good things that have happened are that when you are really down and in need you learn who you real friends are and who really cares about you. Even one person that I didn't think I'd ever see again in this lifetime came forward. I'm on the mend, but its slow going. I need a nice day with a friend at the Ocean.
26 February 2013
My family is all passed away (dead) since 9 years now. My Father followed my Grandmother in death ( the last of my family). I am utterly alone and without family.
This past July, a wonderful person who came into my life to let me know (with his death) that the Other Side does exist..His name is Ray (see him mentioned in a post below).
I am weary of this world. As I near 50 years of age I know there is no future for me to find love in the gay world, as if there ever was cause 99% of gay men are just gay whores looking for sex with a new man everyday and never wanting or capable of having a traditional monogamous relationship.... So, I will leave this world having never been loved.
I tried it all... At an early age I knew my gender identification was compromised being gay--aren't all gay men tormented by the feeling of being a female trapped in a male body? BUT, isn't it perfectly okay to incorporate both male and female into one body and enjoy the ride? I thought feeling more fem or being gay meant nature had made a mistake and I should have been a woman and hence the very successful sexchange that I later became disenchanted with when I realized no matter how perfect you may look or sound, passing almost 100% perfectly in society as female you still have to face the truth that you weren't born female and at the end of the day you DO HAVE A HISTORY AND YOU ARE NOT LIKE YOUR MOTHER OR SISTERS OR OTHER NATAL BORN WOMEN--you're, in effect, and oddity and must keep your life a secret and hide, hide, hide to have some normalicy or you come out as a transsexual woman and become a spectacle for society to critique. I realized most men attracted to transsexual women have a sexual interest and they are way more fucked up mentally than us as transsexuals ever could be. In my lifetime I have known many post-op trans women and they all eventually concede it's no bed of roses and they often contemplate if they would have just been better off resigning themselves to a more "normal life" after having experienced years, perhaps decades of the "un-normal life" in society as a transsexual.
I am tired of this life and am a very spiritual person. I do not intellectually agree with the religious crowd about their ideas of the spiritual side effects of suicide. They wanna say you go to hell or you have to come back and repeat the same life over again to its full end beyond the point of your suicide. I have studied evidence to the contrary.
I'm tired of life in this world without love. I've honestly never had the chance to have a loving relationship with a man because they are all such whores. If only I could find one man who values monogamy, even sexless monogamy, just a pure loving relationship where sex may be an ocassional part, but to the extend that some would complain they live in a "sexless marriage". Sex is not so important...love, feeling secure and know that soul mate will be there to hold your hand and say goodbye when you breath your last breath is important.
I have signed and anti-suicide contract with my therapist and I have a appointment to see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I hope they don't hospitalize to avoid the inevitable.
2 February 2013
I started talking to a therapist again after a 7 month break. My last therapist was doing an internship and she abruptly ended our sessions in June when her internship took her to another program. I guess you could say she left just when I needed her most as only a week or so after our sessions came to an end, the life of my boyfriend Ray also came to and end on July 5th with a sudden stroke. However, in death, our relationship strengthened and so was I strengthened by the new depth of spirituality Ray took me to. I haven't spoken much about this, but when they realized Ray's stroke was so severe that there was no chance for recovery they disconnected his life support and he stopped breathing. That was his wish to not be kept alive in a vegetative state. They kept Ray artificially animated for 5 days on life support before finally letting him go. The stroke was so severe that Ray was gone and his spirit disconnected from his body from the moment he has the stroke, but being the vivacious person who enjoyed life so much and only being 42-years-old, he was not ready to die. I can only imagine during those 5 days on life support that he was fighting with those from the Other Side that he wanted to stay here and wait for the brain perfusion study to see if the doctor said he had a chance of living. Ray, being a nurse himself surely, and eventually had to realize that being on life support with low blood pressure was not a good sign and that he wasn't going to be coming back. On July 10th he gave in and decided to depart his body for good. It was 1:12am the morning of July 10, 2012 when I was startled awake hearing Ray's voice clearly and loudly call my name twice. Within seconds of waking me I felt something bang 4 times at the foot of my bed that caused me to flinch, let out a bit of a shriek, and pull my feet back from the edge of the bed where I felt something hit the bed. From what I have learned it takes a lot of energy for someone on the Other Side to perform such a physical manifestation. I sent myself a text message at the moment all this happened because I didn't want to return to sleep and later think it had all been a dream.
There was another incident where Ray spoke audibly to me again, but I won't bore you with the details of that right now. He had just said something really comforting to me though. I did want to mention on January 4th that Ray made another personal visit where he touched my feet and I've since learned that it is Filipino spiritual lore that those who have passed over to the Other Side do reach out to the living by touching their feet while they sleep when their feet are hanging off the edge of the bed. It was very weird for me to find that out, but very comforting as well. :-)
A song for you, Ray... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdpAZgTOqAg
18 January 2013
Lazaro Arbos - What can I say? If only I could wish myself back in time to be 21 again, and lets see, what else....filthy rich so I could have a chance to catch his eye? Lazarzo ... sigh.... with cute Cuban looks like a young Desi Arnez Jr. (but even more handsome), a story that would break your heart (and win it), this American Idol audition contestant is super adorable, like OMG ADORABLE! He's gonna be some guys happy boyfriend.... Well, don't you think? Don't you think he's gay? The way he moves his arms when he walks, the way he clutches at his neck, the way he waved byeeee? I think the signs are there and he's so adorable! Did I mention that he's adorable yet? :)
Lazaro, when you read this email me. I live in West Hollywood and wanna take you out to lunch while you are in town.
1 January 2013
Welcome to the New Year with hopes renewed for a better year than last year. Isn't that always a good hope? With holiday retail sales at the lowest since the recession/depression began things can only get better now? No more Mayan doom and gloom predictions, no more false return dates for Jesus and the apocalypse! Maybe now our President Obama will have a chance to lead this country out of the financial/economic disaster that the Republicans created.
Life... On my last day of the old year I met someone who seems very nice. The message in meeting him even if I never meet him again is that he's a Sagittarius on the Zodiac and they are known for their honesty, often being honest to a fault saying what is exactly on their mind before they realize what they say could be brutally honest and hurt someone's feelings. I can deal with brutal honesty, but deceptions and lies are very hurtful. Yes, I'm still recovering a bit from the lies of Edmundo Borbon-Leyva, but this New Years Eve it wasn't him I was thinking of at midnight. True, he may have scarred me a bit deep and made me very wary of the next person to come into my life, but knowing he was about nothing but lies and cheating and thievery, well, any feelings I had for him were exterminated and squashed like a nasty little bug. Had I taken time to notice he was a Gemini I would have steered clear of him they are known for being cunning deceivers. Any thoughts of him now are related to pity, wondering how someone can be such a deceiving user like that and live with themselves,,,,ah, but I regress... At midnight I thought of my dear Ray who passed away July 5, 2012 wishing him a wonderful New Year on the Other Side, for whatever that may matter to those on the Other Side :)
28 November 2012
Every once in a great while an unscrupulous person may come into your life and lie to you just to get what they want. This is the story of one such incident...
Following is a picture from happier days with Edmundo Borbon-Leyva. Never in my lifetime has someone come along that I trusted and fell in love with so fully and to have them steal from me and end the end find out he was all about lies and just using me....
This, I imagine, will be my last and final entry about Edmundo. It took him a month after breaking off our *SEEMINGLY PERFECT* relationship with a text message, but the other day he finally emailed me and fessed up to his crimes allowing me to know there is absolutely no future for us as I had hoped before finding out about his deceptions.
First, a bit of back story...
Fact: Edmundo and I first made contact a couple years ago as the picture he says I sent him was from March 2010 that he confidently identified that I had sent him. He tried to make me believe we actually first met before him and his husband Jack Bennet got together which would have been five years ago when I didn't even live in LA and the picture he identified didn't even exist yet. At first I just blew this off with another thought as I figured he was simply mistaken and confused and I was so in love with my head spinning I didn't care at all when we first met. I was just happy to have him in my arms at that moment! This is the first lie I caught him in where he was trying to cover up his cheating on his husband. He wanted to make himself appear honorable that he was wanting to get with me before him and Jack met/married, but in the end he only made himself appear as a horrible liar. Certainly there were others he was trying to hookup with in 2010? He's a good liar, but not that good. He told Jack the story that there was a time he "thought about cheating", but assured Jack he never did. Yeah, right? I am living proof he cheated at least with one person!
Fast forward to today and Edmundo contacted me again on September 22, 2012 and wanted to resume relations with me. He then told me about his "ex-husband" Jack Bennett, but that was a lie I was to find out later by his admission as they had not bee divorced all this time. Consequently, Edmundo got tripped up in his lies again saying that he told Jack about our hooking up September 22nd, but that seems to be another lie cause why else then would Jack, according to Edmundo, threaten him with "You better not be seeing someone else" the week before Edmundo was to move in with me in October??? I eventually spoke to Jack about these things. Edmundo is now claiming I'm the one who is lying and making wild assumptions. I think even a simpleton could put his two conflicted versions of the stories together and realize he is a really bad liar, right? No assumptions needed. I found out a lot of things by his admission after a month of romancing, commencing a committed relationship, and even planned to move in with me.
The whole ruse began to fall apart the day he was supposed to move in, Friday October 26. He told me some story about how he needed to postpone his moving in for a couple days due to a family situation concerning his sister and father. I wasn't so concerned even though the money he said he would give me for rent for three months up front I had sent off to my lawyer in another state the day he was supposed to move in. I wasn't worried since I knew he was moving in and I'd have the money back to pay rent on the 1st. All seemed perfect and he'd move in Saturday or Sunday and give me the money. Well, then the shocker. Suddenly, out of the blue he says he had been thinking for the last week and a half that he cannot continue a relationship with me and broke things off with a text message to my cell phone. WTF right? He fucked me out of money that I now desperately needed to pay bills on time and he said it wasn't his fault for breaching the agreement to pay me and move in.
To sum things all up I'm condensing the story to make it easier on the read, but basically he admitted that it was "cat's curiosity" and "sexual intrigue" that made him want to be with me. When he realized what a nice person I was he found it hard to just fuck me and leave me so he went through the motions of commencing a committed relationship with me for a month while all the while still living with his husband Jack Bennett in their home in Monterey Park, California. UGH? He realized I was vulnerable and really wanted to be loved from what he read of me on my former Biography page on this website. I took the page down because I never want someone to use my loving kindness and vulnerability like that against me again. He further went on to admit that due to his loveless/sexless relationship with Jack who was a "control freak" and mentally abusive and even on ocassion physically abusive that he was "desperate" to be loved when he got with me and so basically I got used as Edmundo's emotional quick fix and rescuer. This is what precipitated him staying beyond the *fuck and leave* stage cause he needed someone to help him from falling into a deep depression about his partner Jack finally being fed up and divorcing him. He put on a good act the month he was with me telling me how he fell in love with me and consequently, I believed him and fell very hard for him and felt like I'd finally met The One.
Through the help of friends and a counselor I finally took the "love is blind" blinders off and came to see things for what they really were. Everybody told me, "If he really loved you as much as he said he did, even to the point of moving in with you then he will unavoidably come back, but if he didn't love you he won't". Well, guess what? He wrote me an email the other day saying he only wanted "strictly friendship" from me and nothing else. I only wished him well. And now...? Yes, I feel emotionally numb knowing that I was used for someone's unique sexual experience and emotional rescue while all the while I thought I'd entered a real relationship with a sincere guy. I am a fool. Ah well....life goes on....Karma catches up to people like that they say...
And now where am I now that all of this has happened? Well, I tell you the truth...at first I was never so heartbroke and devastated in my life because I really believed in this guy until the day dumped me out of nowhere. I felt so down, so numb and just couldn't understand for the life of me how someone who said they loved me so much could do such a thing. However, now that I finally took the blinders off and Edmundo slipped up enough for me to unravel his lies it's like all the heartbreak I was experiencing has now vanished and been replaced by anger and pity for such a person like that who could do something so cruel to someone so kind and loving as I was to him. I'm not the kinda person to feel angry for long. I let that kinda stuff go real quick. And believe it or not, I forgive him for what he did to me. I am a loving person who doesn't have time for hate and negativity. I feel like I can hold my head up high again even though I know everything was based on a big pile of lies by him. I don't hate him for what he did to me, but I just pity him. I'm good. I found the answers I needed to why he could leave me just like that. I got the closure I needed so I can move on. I don't need time to heal, but yes, I'm no emotional superhero. I'm still human and will hear a song that will bring a tear to my eyes when it sparks the memories of how much I thought we were in love together, but I've already wasted enough precious time on that person. May a real Prince Charming come into my life now. I'm ready.
25 November 2012
7 November 2012
Made some new entries about my childhood years on my Bio page today.... New entries in blue text.
Was chatting with my dear old friend Sandi in Tasmania that I visited in 2010. After bring her up to date on my latest joys and disappointments she once again extended the offer of me becoming her housemate. She is a wonderfully good friend with a heart of gold. A better friend no person could ever ask for. She mentioned how she was thinking about getting another pup to fill the void since her canine companion Max passed away several years back from cancer and I asked her if she might settle for a heart weary older dog named Joe who was ready to relent from the search for love and come wait for God with her? lol She said if I did come the hospital she works at would jump at the chance to take me on as they are always in desperate short supply of nurses.
6 November 2012
Presidential election day in the U.S. today. Will Obama be able to continue the gradual restoration of our country or will the Republicans re-enter and finish America the Beautiful off once and for good? The world stands by terrified that backwards thinking Americans will make the wrong choice and chaos will once again take over the planet with the Republican war machine.
17 September - 25 October 2012
This entry encompasses a period of a little over a month and are about my meeting Edmundo, having a relationship, and then him ending it on the 25th of October.
Before I tell that story though I'm gonna tell another story. A spiritual story. I am a very spiritual person who believes that everything in life happens for a reason and there is a plan or a path for our lives, yet we are granted free will that allows us to detour from the "shorter route" onto a more rugged path where we learn our lessons along the longer and harder way till we eventually return ourselves back to the point where we left the true path.
Now, with that said, I'm gonna tell you about how Edmundo actually made first contact with me over five years ago, but hesitated and missed the boat. I had given him my phone number to call, but he never did. He made me aware of this fact that I hadn't remembered. Edmundo didn't contact me because he had met a guy named Jack. Jack, at the onset, appeared to be a together, financially stable, established homeowner and 20 years older than Edmundo. With such an age difference one may assume that Edmundo may have yearned for a father figure having been estranged from his own Father after his parents divorce at a young age. Edmundo had not seen or spoken to his Father in the five years previous to meeting Jack. Jack was quick to propose marriage to Edmundo within a short time of meeting and Edmundo agreed. Jack and Edmundo embarked upon a rocky relationship that lasted nearly 5 years that was clearly full of challenges for Edmundo. At the ending of that relationship Edmundo got his wedding ring literally thrown back at him the month before he rekindled his acquaintance with me on September 17th.
From the moment Edmundo and I met for the first time, face to face, September 22nd, there was magic. We had 33 days of bliss and then Edmundo abruptly and with no warning broke things off with me on October 25th. On November 5, 2012 Edmundo wrote me a letter where it was obvious he had been doing some soul searching, and psychological repair. He wrote to me about childhood myths.
When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: It’s not a spouse, or land, or a job, or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal.
The words above of Edmundo in blue italics are very revealing. I would dare to guess that they express his realization that his childhood myths about marriage all came unraveled when he moved too quickly to marry Jack. Jack as a spouse, the land, the money, the home, even the ill fated relationship itself did not bring Edmundo happiness. Life knocked Edmundo around during that five year marriage to an angry, and abusive man, whom Edmundo described as a "control freak". Edmundo now knows what relying on the equation of childhood myths got him...a big sucker punch at the end where Jack exerted his last bit of anger and control towards the inmate that had just about had enough and was ready to break free of his grasp... I month before I met Edmundo is when Jack pitched his wedding ring at Edmundo and announced plans to divorce him. After a month to cool his heals Jack became remorseful and wanted to salvage the marriage and return to therapy with Edmundo, but Edmundo held Jack to the words of their therapist, "Say what you mean and mean what you say." Jack's ending of the marriage accomplished what Edmundo could not bring himself to do out of respect for the institution of marriage. Edmundo found his honorable escape from and abusive marriage and wasn't about to lose his chance to get away from his abuser.
If only Edmundo had been with me the last five years instead of Jack, all this present pain could have been avoided. The official 33 days of our relationship were days of complete bliss except for the one day Edmundo jokingly said we disagreed on which way to walk on the Venice Boardwalk, north or south. I prefered to stay up towards the more northly path to avoid all the marijuana smoke and hippie druggie types that congregate at lower Venice, but it's always my desire to please Edmundo because I love him so we walked south. :)
I'm sure banishing childhood myths was a good and needed lesson for Edmundo, but nobody likes to see someone hurt so that's why I said if only Edmundo had of gone with me instead of Jack then we'd have five happy years under our belt and looking forward to many more years of bliss together, that is if those 33 days of blissful perfection were any indicator. It might seem that one issue that is holding Edmundo back is his desire to cling to some other myths created in our minds during childhood, some of those being related to religious belief.
Religion is a government created tool to control citizens and is the enemy of spirituality and relationship with God. Most religions demonize spirituality because they have a ve$ted interest in keeping people spiritually unaware as evidenced by the modern Judeo-Christian religion that forbids belief in mediums who speak with spirits now living on the Other Side (a place religion calls "heaven" or "paradise"). Christianity is very quick to strike down any belief in an Afterlife or in Reincarnation. Christianity is a Roman created religion that added what they wanted to stories they collected about the historical figure Jesus and his Jewish faith. They pulled it all together into a book they dubbed "The New Testament" of which only small fragments of stories are believable upon the mountain of evidence that many events were fabricated by writers to create a new religion that no longer had reincarnation as a foundation as Judaism had, but changed it out for some new idea that each spirit has but one lifetime on the earth and after that an eternity is spent in heaven or hell after they have been resurected to answer up for the deeds of their life. This "added" New Testament belief just doesn't jive with the words of Jesus they unwitting failed to excise about reincarnation. If you are unfamiliar with Jesus speaking about reincarnation read his words from the Bible. A webpage that will help you realize this truth is at: http://reincarnation.ws/reincarnation_in_the_new_testament.html
The New Testament records evidence of Jesus as a psychic medium having had the spirits of Moses and Elijah physically appear to him and have a conversation with him on the Mount of Olives. Read your Bible. It's there. It's just you have been reading your Bible with the blinders of religion covering your eyes and corrupting your thinking. The crispy-brained Christians will dismiss this fact with the explanation that Jesus was also God and therefore immune to the rules us less divine humans have to go by. Hogwash! If that were true then Jesus would have never reprimanded with the words, "Ye are gods" and as he said in John 14:12, "These things you see me do you will do also". Jesus was a cool dude, but unfortunately one that Christians really do not know regardless of what they profess, hence the words of Jesus, "I never knew you"...
I'm getting off into a religious discussion now and I need to stop. For more scholarly information about how the Bible was not written by God, but by governments of men to control the people listen to a scholarly lecture given by Chapel Hill University of North Carolina Professor and biblical scholar Bart Ehrman. You can listen to his factual and rational lecture at:
The events of those 33 days of bliss I am incorporating into my Biography page elsewhere on this website. I formerly had entered them here as daily blog entries, but decided they needed space of their own in my life story. Edmundo's well chosen words to me on October 25th were, "I will need your open heart. I will need your patience" as he told me that he need to take time away alone from our relationship to work on himself after the 5 year abusive marriage he lived through. And so believing that Edmundo did not lie to me and he truly does love me I will wait for him as long as he needs because the love and spiritual connection we shared, I know from experience, may not come but once in a lifetime. He is worth waiting for. I think I'm worth waiting for too. However, having said all that I must consider the possibly that Edmundo simply used me in an "escapist mentality" to just have someone to keep him from going into a deep depression over his marriage breakup. Also, believing that everything happens for a reason, perhaps the reason for him coming into my life is done and over with and I'm trying to hang onto something that is actually over. I just find it hard that someone would come into my life, tell they have fallen in love with me and want to start a life with me by moving in with me and then on the day they are expected to move in that is the last day I ever his his voice again. I guess I have to admit to myself if he ever really did love me he would have called or initiated contact with me at least once. At the time of this writing (11/26/2012) he has done neither. It just hurts to have loved someone and put all your trust in them and then have them betray you. blah, blah, blah,,,the story of the world. At the end of the day, the biggest part of the reason for our soul's choice to return to this planet for another dose of reincarnation is our relentless hurtful search for love. We all became bored on the Other Side with constantly feeling the bliss of an overwhelmingly wonderful unconditional love from God and so we chose to come down here to experience what it's like to live in a world without that love, trying to somehow replace that feeling in the human experience. I've learned my lesson and I'm ready to go back home or at least find away to live without being loved here? It just seems like a pattern... my mother gave me up for the first 3 months of my life before she took me back...that wasn't love. Never once to I remember her ever hugging me or saying she loved me and I never had a father either. Never have I had a successful romantic involvement...married 3 years to a man who couldn't love himself or believe anybody could love him...and Ray Landicho had to go and die on me after 3 months, and now Edmundo--used for someones emotional rescue for a month and then dropped when I was no longer needed. Maybe a nice little frontal lobotomy would solve that problem? I have accepted that I was simply used by Edmundo as a desperate rebound quick fix. Had he genuinely loved me he would have come back to me instead of saying in finality that all he wants is strictly friendship. So, that chapter of my life is over and I wish him well.
1 September 2012
When I lived in the Northeast, September 1st was always the day that inspired cleaning up the fireplace for the first fire of the season. Here in California however, our current humid heatwave has relented just enough to have the windows open again--not cool enough to light my fireplace yet.
I love living here in "LA". I wish I could find someone loving to live here and love it with me.
14 August 2012
I'm not big on blogging, but today I just felt like saying a few words about my Ray that I that I lost a month ago. I was walking around the corner to my apt building and wasn't even thinking of Ray and all of the sudden a thought of him came into mind and the thought made me happy for a few seconds and then it made me sad. For just a moment I imagined Ray's little white Mercedes coming into view at the street intersection near my apt and him seeing me walking and he pauses and leans out the window and flashes that big smile and say's "Hey, handsome man!". I only wish that could happen in real life and Ray wasn't gone. It's so hard to accept that he won't be pulling around the corner anymore in his little while Mercedes.
I wish so much to relive a day when we went to then Santa Monica Pier and sat on a bench with our arms around each other watching the sunset. Afterwards we walked over to Buca di Beppo Italian restaurant and had dinner. I know it sounds crazy, but this Thursday I think I will go to the pier and sit on the bench where we sat and then ask for the same table at Buca di Beppo. I hope Ray will be there in spirit with me.
3 August 2012
Time.... What about time? Does time really have any meaning or substance? Last month at this time I didn't know in two days time that tragedy would strike and the man I loved would be taken from me by a sudden stroke that caused immediate brain death. The stroke Ray suffered July 5th ended his life at 42 years of age. I'll see you again my sweet and handsome man. I love you...
3 July 2012
I overheard someone I know saying to someone who doesn't know me, "That's Joe and he wants to be famous for having a mangina". lol Well, of course, I want people to know about me and my mangina. It's something I have to promote since nobody would know that I'm a cunted male just by looking at me. If I want to be famous for anything at all it would be for living my life the way that makes me happy and fulfilled. Life is to be lived, not regretted. As the movie character Auntie Mame said, "Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!"
22 March 2012
I don't update my blog much do I? lol What's news? Next month I'm another year older and still single. Beyond all the hype and the pictures and my porn there is still just an innocent boy's heart living in a mans body...a boy that just wants to be loved and love in return. I'm thinking this year may be my year because 2012 is year of the Dragon (Chinese Zodiac) and I'm an Aries/Dragon. Four years in Los Angeles and I've realized this is the no-strings gay sex hook up capitol of the world. lol I am not without hope.
8 December 2011
ALBERT PUJOLS HUGE COCK IS ON THE LOOSE!
14 October 2011
Summer now fades into fall and I'm still single. It seems another year will soon be over and no boyfriend yet. Will I say goodbye to the idea of love and move away to the remote island of Tasmania? hmmmm?
15 July 2011
The other night I disclosed my difference to the guy I was dating and he was not accepting of it, so onto the next guy! He was a good match in a lot of ways, but ah well... There are plenty of fish in the sea!
21 June 2011
I have begun dating a really nice guy that I'm hopeful about . He has the qualities that get my attention. He is a modest and conservative person, a bit shy and reserved. I love that in a guy. And he is so cute!
I will say that when we first met it was because of his personality and demeanor that he reminded me of my former David from Mexico City. I don't want to put undue emphasis on my last relationship because, as well, my former longterm relationship with Paul Barnett was a result of him being the same type of guy I was attracted to.
I remain hopeful...
15 April 2011
My birthday just past and I got a lot of calls from old friends and I remember how I missed some of those good old days when in University. Since I started the gay/straight alliance at my University and also told my story on talk shows I was well known on campus and people were all pretty cool with me. If anybody didn't like me they were mannerly enough to just be polite and I never got harassed. I was just think about how being a guy with what seems like girl genitalia has made me one of the luckiest guys in the world. lol I remember many nights that my straight bro's from school would call me up with the excuse they were just out of the bar, drunk and wanted to talk. All the talking usually stopped after they got in the door. Those straight boys just love pussy and they knew they didn't have to do anything special to get laid with me like you have to with girls. Sometimes it was a little strange though cause many of the guys wanted to just keep things quiet and I wouldn't even speak to them on campus, but they sure liked to sneak over to my house at night and fuck my pussy. lol
Yes, I have a wild sexual past. At present I've kinda slowed down. lol I think I've fucked nearly every gay porn star there is. They have all contacted me and wanted to "try it". Word spreads around fast about how good mancunt is. lol
Why am I writing such sexual stuff? lol Oh, I forget....I'm on a roid cycle now for bodybuilding for the next three months and I'm very extra horny. My Mangina just twitches with hornyness. I really need a boyfriend to wake up next to!!!!!
2 April 2011
I had a very nice visit with my friend Sandi in Tasmania. I'll have to say I wasn't too impressed with the gay community there, what existed of it. I guess once you have experienced Los Angeles with the largest gay population on the planet there is nothing that can compare. The capitol city of Tasmania, Hobart, only has two gay bars, one being the size of a closet and the other about the size of a walk-in closet. The gay community there still seems very closeted and backwards with no unification. So, I decided it may not be the place for me to retire just yet. I realized there is still a lot of life in me yet!
So, with my return to LA comes a renewed interest in living life to the fullest. I am closer to deciding on doing my own adult movies. I've held on on doing them because I always thought if a nice guy came into my life he may not approve of having a boyfriend who has had sold sex on film. However, I'm finally coming to the conclusion that there aren't enough nice guys out there to go around for the non-unique gay guys, much less one for me. I really would like to experience deep romantic love with a guy and have him all to myself, at least for a while. I know most successful gay relationships are those that are open, but I don't feel I could do that from the beginning of a relationship. I don't know....everyone you meet presents a different reality so it's really a case, by case basis. Yes, I'd like a truely romantic love story where we are deeply in love with each other forever and monogamous, but I just don't know if that will be possible to have. Maybe I'm asking for too much?
So, I'm going to be looking for some guys who would like to help me do a little grass roots film. Since it would not be a paid offer I'd be willing to allow you to remain anonymous in the film without your face being shown or even a mask?
Being out of the gym for about a month while on vacation and stuff has made me weak and smaller. I've started a new roid/hgh cycle and it's time to put on some more pounds of muscle.
7 March 2011
I can't believe I've skipped updating the blog here since January?
Today I leave for my trip to Tasmania to visit with my old dear friend. I hope this will be a pleasant trip, but my heart is filled with sadness and foreboding. While I'm sure I will have a great time with my friend Sandi, this is a life changing trip. I'm going to visit my friend to see if this is somewhere I'd like to live out the rest of my days. I've grown very weary of trying to date and to keep hope alive that a good man will come along in my life. Even for regular gay guys it's hard to find a relationship because most gay men are only one night stand hookup whores, but for someone unique like me it's even harder. I'll be 47 this year and age is starting to catch up with me. Years of hoping for my prince to come have been hard on my heart. I am tired. I'd rather put my heart away someplace where I don't have to feel it anymore. My friend Sandi has a big yard around her house that could use a gardener (something I have a great passion for). Perhaps we will make good housemates as two lonely people live out the rest of our days and wait for god (so to speak).
While packing for my trip I packed a pair of pants I had not worn since last June when I last made a trip to Mexico City to see David who I loved. I was checking the pockets because I heard some coins make noise. I found one of David's handkerchiefs he had borrowed me and instantly I became full of grief and my eyes got wet. I truly loved David and guess I always will. I was foolish to fall for someone who is not out of the closet. All the happy memories suddenly come back and flash through my mind...a day at the beach, the Santa Monica Pier, a car show, dinner at an Argentine restaurant in the Zona Rosa, going for sushi...
This is the kind of pain I do not want to feel anymore...the pain that David Zepeda caused me. I would rather be alone and not think of relationships than to continue to hope and feel hurt. This is why I am thinking of moving to Australia with my old friend. Better to have a housemate and good friend than to continue having my heart walked on.
So, tonight I leave for Australia for hopeful pleasant 12 day trip.....
24 January 2011
I guess I'm really serious about this Tasmania thing! lol I purchased my airline tickets to go visit my friend. I'll be in Hobart from March 9th - 23rd. All my Aussie fans hit me up. I hadn't planned on visiting anyplace but Hobart, but maybe some of you guys could tempt me to come to visit places like Sdyney, Melbourne, etc.?
10 January 2011
Been talking with a dear old friend who lives in Hobart, Tasmania. Many times we've talked about me moving there as I no longer have any family left and we could be like family for each other. I'm thinking if Mr. Right don't come along for me in 2011 I will close up shop here in California and retire from the dating scene altogether to live in Tasmania with my friend. Two old spinsters we'll be! lol I want to live out my life with some quality even if I never get to have a husband and a family of my own. I moved to Los Angeles thinking the world's largest gay population would hold a husband for me, but the guys out here are mostly about NSA (no strings attached) sex. A year ago I purchased two size five Ralph Lauren sweaters to put in a hope chest for a child I'd hopefully adopt one day with the help of a husband. All dreams don't come true. All plans don't always come to fruition. We strive to enjoy the twists and turns of the journey wherever it may take us.
5 January 2011
Welcome to my new blog for 2011! I always ditch last years blog because I'm the kinda guy who lives in the moment and my blog is a *current events* blog, not a journal you can read the last 10 years of my internet diary on. After January the 2010 blog will be gone.
2011 holds the promise of marriage and happily-ever-after for me. I'm not messing around anymore! I'm tired of the single life and I am more than ready to dedicate my life to one man. Becoming Joe Mangina was something that happened to me along the journey and was never a goal. The Mangina Man is like some celebrity super hero Greek God come to life in the minds of the public and far from the average Joe I really am. Once the man of my dreams comes into my life this website and my Xtube will all be scaled back to educational material only. I just want a regular life, basically living in anonymity with a man I love. So this is your alert guys! I'm ready to be snatched up! I love the weather in Los Angeles, but am willing to consider relocating for love. ;-) This is my year!